


The Drama of College

by lologoblens



Series: The Theatre Department [2]
Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:54:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 31,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27750352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lologoblens/pseuds/lologoblens
Summary: After graduating from Brightmoon Adora and Catra are off to college. Navigating the transition to college is...hard. And it'll put their relationship to the test.Sequel to The Drama of it AllCould potentially be read as a standalone but I'd recommend starting from the top!
Relationships: Adora & Catra (She-Ra), Adora/Catra (She-Ra), Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: The Theatre Department [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2020991
Comments: 459
Kudos: 339





	1. I Love You, Greyskull

“I’m thinking about dropping out.”

Adora blanches, staring at her girlfriend in clear shock. “I’m sorry, you’re _what_?”

“Thinking about dropping out.” She states simply for the second time.

“Catra, where is this coming from? You can’t ju-“

“How about we take a moratorium on telling me what I can and can’t do.” The bitterness in her voice brings Adora’s brain to a screeching halt.

“ _O_ …kay. You’re right, I’m sorry. I just…I’m confused.”

“Yeah, well. Frighton sucks, so.” She crosses her arms with a huff and drops onto Adora’s bed. They’ve just gotten back to the dorms from dinner. They were _going_ to snuggle and watch a movie. _Plans change, I guess…._

It had been a quiet night, Catra was sort of sulking most of the way through dinner. So yeah, Adora’d known something was coming. She just never could have predicted _this_.

“Are you applying to other schools? Thinking about transferring?”

“No.” Catra pouts. “What’s the point?”

“What’s the…what? Catra…”

“Well I’m not gonna get another scholarship like Frighton awarded me! And it’s not like I know what I wanna _do_ anyhow.” Gingerly, Adora sits next to her girlfriend.

“Catra, baby, please help me try to understand.”

“There’s nothing to understand, Adora. I just don’t like it. I’d rather go back to the fucking shake shack than sit through one more fucking freshman seminar.”

“Catra, I know it’s hard, but it’s not even been two months. Don’t you think it’s worth seeing the quarter through, at the very least?”

“Ugh, you’re not listening!”

“I _am_ , babe. I just…think maybe you’re being a little hasty.”

“I think we should break up.” It comes out in a rush and Catra slaps her hands over her mouth the second the words are free. Adora’s blood runs cold, her heart pumping ice through her veins.

“ _What?_ ” She’s dimly aware of how her voice breaks on the word. “ _Catra…_ ”

Catra’s jaw is set and she’s refusing eye contact with Adora. Tears gather at the corner of her eyes, and she’s not alone on that at least. “This isn’t working.” She whispers.

“I don’t understand.”

“What’s there to understand, Adora? It’s not working. I’m not…happy anymore.”

“Not happy in general, or…not happy with me?” She feels her bottom lips tremble and bites down on it in an attempt to control her emotion.

Catra’s jaw flexes. “Please, Adora, _please_ don’t make this harder than it has to be.”

“I’m sorry.” Adora shoots to her feet. “You’re _dumping me,_ and you want me to make sure it isn’t hard? _On you!_ ”

“It’s not like that.” Catra insists, her voice pleading.

“Then-then what is it like exactly? You come in here, after pouting through dinner, and tell me you want to drop out of school. And _then_ that you want to break up too! Are-are you fucking kidding me? Are you even fucking _okay_ right now?” It’s a struggle to not raise her voice; Adora is fully freaking out right now.

“Adora, you’re-you’re my best friend.” Tears spill over her cheeks and Adora rushes forward to crouch in front of her.

“And you’re _mine_ , baby. So why would we break up?” She clutches her hands desperately, squeezing them so tight she can’t imagine it’s all that comfortable. Her knuckles turn white, like she thinks she can hold onto Catra if she just _holds onto Catra_ tightly enough.

“Because-because I know I love you…but I don’t know if I’m _in_ love with you.” Adora drops Catra’s hands like they’ve burnt her.

“Wh-what? How…how long have you felt this way?”

Catra looks off to the side, Adora thinks she’s staring at Swift Wind where he lays on her pillow. It makes her heart clench. “I don’t know.” Is all she has to offer.

“You don’t _know_?” Her voice breaks again.

Catra’s answer, if one was even coming, is cut off by the sound of a key in the door. Adora curses silently; Bow was supposed to be off at some game night or study group or some shit.

He comes in already laughing, his hand held over his eyes. “Sorry, sorry! I know I told you that you’d have the room. I just forgot…” He pulls his hand down at the sound of Catra’s sniffling. “…something. Did somebody die?”

“ _Bow!_ ” Adora chastises.

“Sorry! I-are you guys okay?”

“ _No_ , Bow. Now, can you please get out?”

His eyes dart back and forth between his friends and he nods. He digs around in his desk and, with a few more concerned looks, is gone once more.

Adora heaves a sigh and turns back to her…to Catra. “I’m worried about you.”

“Well don’t be.” Catra replies promptly.

“I am though. I thought you were starting to settle in. You told me you were making friends.”

Catra scoffs, finally looking at her. Her eyes are red and watery. “I _am_ …sort of. You know I’m not good at that shit. I told you; it’s the…the teachers suck, and I don’t like my classes, and-I’m sorry. Why are we talking about _school_ right now?”

“Well I-I don’t know. I don’t want to talk about the other thing.”

“Well we have to.” Catra demands stubbornly.

“Fine.” Adora sniffs and wipes at her eyes. “I don’t want to break up.”

“Well I think we should.” Catra makes no moves to wipe away the tears that fall down her cheeks. Adora does it for her and can’t ignore the sting that spikes through her heart when the touch makes Catra flinch.

“Because you don’t love me.” She barely manages to choke out the words.

Catra softens. “Of course I _love_ _you_ , Greyskull. I just don’t…”

“Know if you’re in love, yeah, I got it.” Adora stands again and starts pacing around the small box of a room.

“Adora, come on. I just…wouldn’t it be selfish of me to keep this up if I-…feeling this way? Isn’t it better to cut it off now, while some sort of friendship might still be salvageable?”

Adora freezes and whips around. “ _What?_ ”

Catra startles. “Well, I…”

“You don’t just get to pick and choose the parts of our relationship that work for you, Catra! You don’t get to dump me and expect that we can just shift gears into being friends.”

Her brow is furrowed and, if possible, she looks even more upset. “I mean, I…not right away. I just thought, after some time….” Her lip wobbles. “Are you telling me we can never be friends again if we break up?”

Adora groans and rubs her face briskly. Catra just watches on, crying silently. “I-no, that’s not what I’m saying. I don’t know what I’m fucking saying. I’ve never been dumped before, Catra!”

“I’m _sorry_.”

“Why didn’t…you never said anything. I feel…totally blindsided here.”

Now Catra is full on scowling. “Adora…we fight all the time.”

“We do not _fight all the time_.” She supposes, sure, there’s been a bit more bickering. She just assumed it was the stress of college and figuring out the pseudo long distance. Nothing worth _breaking up_ over.

“That’s not…it feels to me like we are.”

“Okay, well…can we just try to work on our communication? See if…if the love comes back for you or whatever. Because-Because I _love_ _you_ , Catra. I’m still so fucking in love with you. I don’t know…I dunno what to do with all of that if you le-leave me.”

“ _Adora_.” That’s when Adora knows it’s over. It’s in the way Catra says her name; she’s never said her name like that before.

“I think you should go.”

“Wait, what? I-that’s it? You don’t want to talk about this more?”

Adora sets her jaw, trying to hold back the wave of grief threatening to overtake her. “Are you breaking up with me?”

“Well, yeah but-“

“Then _go_ , Catra.”

“Adora, please.” She stands from the bed and reaches out. Adora steps back, knocking the back of her legs into Bow’s bed. “I-so…we’re just…done here?”

“Yeah.” Adora bites out, nearly choking on a hiccup. “I guess we’re done here.”

Catra blinks, tears positively streaming down her cheeks. “I-okay.” She steps closer and this time Adora lets her. She also doesn’t protest when Catra sets a hand lightly on her upper arm. “I…if you want to talk, I guess, um…call me. I’ll…I’m really-“ A sob cuts her off briefly. “really gonna miss you, Greyskull.”

Adora swallows hard, choking down the words she wants to say; _I’ll miss you too, please stay- even just for tonight, I love you, I’ll love you forever._ “Get the fuck out of my room, D’riluth.”

And then she’s just…gone. And Adora is sobbing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyyy  
> So there's me: Make the gays happy  
> but also me: now make them cry.  
> My B.
> 
> But in all seriousness, I have a little bit of a hard time suspending my disbelief when it comes to high school couples living happily ever after post grad. So this is me exploring what that might actually look like for these two, and the ways in which it can offer them each the opportunity to grow. So.
> 
> Just a note up top that'll be relevant later: I often like to imagine my characters live in a universe where a monotheism isn't so much a thing. (It why they all say 'oh my stars' or like, 'oh my goddess' or even 'oh Poseidon' in Mermmy's case bc I think that's hilarious.) So, it felt weird to have them celebrate Christmas, so they celebrate Winter Solstice instead. And Thanksgiving is problematic (at the very, very best, pretty generous phrasing if we're being honest.), so they celebrate autumn harvest instead of that. And have similar breaks around the two (as far as timing and length) as an American college might.
> 
> Thanks to everyone who read the first of the series and found their way here too! And to anyone else taking the time to read also!!


	2. The Care & Keeping of Catra D'riluth

**Catra**

U should go check on Adora

Plz

**Bow**

???

R u ok??

What was that?

That I walked in on

**Catra**

Just go

We can talk soon

She needs u more right now

**Bow**

Cat….

**Catra**

GO

**Bow**

R U OKAY???

**Catra**

…

No

But that’s my fault

Please Bow

Do this for me

**Bow**

I’m omw

Can u just tell me what I’m walking into

Plz

**Catra**

We broke up

It’s me

Catra ignores the incoming call from Bow. And the next one. And the two after that. She does, however, listen to his voicemail as soon as it comes through.

“Catra…I’m really worried. Just…promise me you’ll not do anything stupid, okay? Even if it’s just a text. I know…maybe it’s not my business, but…what the hell _happened_? You guys are like…couple _goals_. I just…sorry, I know that’s probably not what you need to hear right now. Can we get lunch? Tomorrow preferably? I…I’m at the dorms now, so I should go. Text me or I’m sending Glimmer to your dorm.”

With a huff Catra pulls open her texts.

**Catra**

I won’t do anything stupid

Yes to lunch

No to tomorrow

Sunday is good tho

That’ll give her a day to wallow at least. She and Adora were supposed to be getting brunch tomorrow. Then she’d promised Catra she’d kick Bow out for the afternoon and evening so they could…. Well, it’d been a while since they’d had proper alone time. She’d been looking forward to it, but at the same time…

Thinking about fucking Adora while feeling so uncertain of her feelings made guilt gnaw at her gut. It felt _dirty_ , which was a feeling she’d never once associated with Adora. She couldn’t bring herself to do so now. Still, she’d planned to wait until brunch. She’d be selfish and take one last night of just _holding_ Adora, give her the tenderness she deserved one last time. Then, in the morning, they’d have a mature conversation about their relationship.

Then the thing about school had popped out and…it just all spiraled from there. The worst part, well… _no,_ certainly not the _worst_ part, is that she’s definitely not dropping out. She can’t fucking afford to lose her scholarship. She just _wants_ to. Pretty bad too. And she’s tried to talk to Adora about it, but she just wasn’t getting it.

Adora _loves_ collage, of fucking course. She loves her classes, has already established relationships with her professors, and she has all the girls from the basketball team wrapped around her little finger. Not to mention the cheerleaders… The season hasn’t even fucking _started_ yet. Catra was only holding her back anyway. That’s what Catra is good at.

That’s what Catra has always been good at.

-{…}-

Adora’s a fucking mess, and she doesn’t care to try and hide it. She lets Glimmer hold her on her bed while they watch Bow get ready to leave. “I just don’t _understand_.” She cries at them. “I thought-I thought we were so _good_ together.”

Glimmer rubs her arms briskly. “You _were_ Adora, but clearly something wasn’t working. You’re sure she didn’t say anything to you in the last few weeks? Something that could have given you a clue as to how she’s feeling.”

Adora sniffs. “Well, what did she say to you? Saturday night.”

Glimmer grimaces. She’d managed to get Catra on the phone, after _hours_ of trying, for a short conversation. That’s all she’d told Adora though. Well, _that_ and that Catra was okay, relatively speaking. “You know I’m not gonna betray her confidence like that, Adora. You two will talk when you’re ready.”

“She doesn’t want to talk to me! She _ha-hates me!_ ” She sobs and clutches Swift Wind more tightly to her chest.

Bow sighs and turns from the mirror. “She doesn’t though, Adora. Just because she doesn’t want to be in a relationship-“

“ _Fine_.” Adora whines. “She loves me bu-but not…not how she was _supposed_ to! How she _said_ she did.”

“And I’m sure she meant it.” Glimmer assures her. “But…well, Adora, people fall out of love sometimes.”

Adora sobs at this and collapses into her lap. Bow scolds her in a harsh whisper, “ _Glimmer!”_

“Sugar coating it isn’t gonna help, _Bow_.” She insists in her own stage whisper.

He huffs and then tells them, “I should go.”

Adora shoots up, still sniffling. “Don’t tell her what a mess I am!”

“I won’t.” He promises.

“Make sure she doesn’t eat the cantaloupe, tell the server to leave it out. She always orders fruit on the side and-“

“ _Adora_.” He admonishes her.

“She’s allergic, Bow!” She tells him shrilly. “She’s just too fucking stupid and stubborn to admit it. Of course, then she complains all day about her itching throat and-“

“ _O_ kay, I don’t think this is about fruit anymore, buddy.”

She sniffs. “Tea with honey, but just a _little_ honey.” He looks at her, totally bewildered. She huffs. “For her throat when you let her eat that stupid melon. Just nothing caffeinated. She’ll have already had coffee and then she’ll get the squirts and-“

“Gross!” Her coupled friends protest simultaneously.

“I’m going now.” Bow informs them.

“Wait, Bow!” The click of the door cuts her off before she can provide him with further instructions on the care and keeping of Catra D’riluth.

“Do you wanna talk?” Glimmer asks her. “Or do you wanna be distracted?”

“I-I just want _answers_ , Glimmer.”

“Then you should probably set up a break up talk with the only person who can give them to you.”

Adora sucks in a shuddering breath. “I _can’t_ , I can’t face her.”

“That’s okay too.”

“Nothing is okay!” Adora cries dramatically.

“Alright, you’re heartbroken so I’m gonna let you have that one.”

“Gee, thanks.” Adora sniffles.

“How about a movie?”

Adora sets her jaw. “Fine. I wanna watch legally blonde, then a really gory horror, then the legally blonde sequel.”

Glimmer laughs at the proposed lineup. “Alright, let’s cue it up then.”

They’re ten minutes into the movie when Adora whispers, “Her birthday is in a week.” And then Glimmer just holds her while she sobs through the first half of the movie.

-{…}-

“Thanks for meeting me.” Catra rolls her eyes at Bow. Like she had a choice; he’d have been breaking down her door before long if she refused.

“Yeah, well. Thanks for coming my way.”

“Of course!” Catra pokes at her fruit salad and avoids his eyes. Looking at the stupid melon balls only makes her think about Adora, and suddenly her appetite disappears further. She eats a cantelope just to spite herself.

Bow just watches her, waiting to see if she’ll say something. She knows she looks like shit; she hasn’t slept more than a couple hours since Friday night. Also, like the pathetic loser she is, she’s wearing Adora’s ratty old hoodie that still smells like her.

Adora left it the first time she had slept over at Catra’s dorm, about a month after she moved in. Well…Catra hid it under the duvet and distracted Adora when she realized it was missing. Same difference. It’s old and all stretched out so it’s too big, even for Adora. Catra fucking loves it, she has to cuff the sleeves like, eighty dozen times just to be able to eat.

Catra misses her best friend.

“How are classes?”

Bow huffs, but answers despite his apparent impatience. “Fine, Calc is kicking my ass but that’s to be expected I suppose. How about you? Adora mentioned you’re not loving school right now.”

Catra bites her wobbling lip and steadies her breath before answering. “It’s _fine_ , Bow.”

“Catra…” He sighs.

Now she looks up at him. “ _What?_ ”

“What’s going on with you? I’m concerned. Glimmer too. It sounds like school is hard and now this breakup out of left field…”

She scoffs. “Why are you so surprised? It’s not like that many high school relationships make it.”

Catra doesn’t like the scrutinizing look this earns her. “I mean…Glimmer and I have been together since elementary so…”

“Well bully for you guys.” She answers bitterly. He lets her have it.

“I’m just saying, that’s not a _reason_ for a break up.”

She wipes at her eyes before her tears can fall. She’s so fucking _sick_ of crying. “What if Glimmer wasn’t in love with you anymore?”

“I-what?” He startles at the question.

“Would you want her to stay with you, because you’re safe and easy and _comfortable_? Even if she wasn’t in love anymore?”

“Well…I mean, I’d want us to talk about it at least.”

Catra laughs harshly. “Yeah, well Adora’s not great at talking about her feelings.”

“What does that mean?” Her friend inquires, with a tip of his head. He leans further in, she doesn’t think he even notices he’s done so.

“What do you think it means? You know Adora.”

“Yeah…so you’re saying you tried to talk to her before this?”

She rolls her eyes. She knows he’s not being patronizing on purpose but she’s tired and heartbroken and cranky. “No, I just broke up with my girlfriend of a year and a half on a whim, Bow.”

His brow knits together tightly. “Okay…look, I don’t want to put myself in the position of messenger, but Adora was _really_ caught off guard.”

Catra throws her hands up and drops them back to the table with a clatter. “Okay, well I wanted to stay and talk, and she kicked me out!”

“Can you blame her?” He asks softly. “She just got dumped.”

Catra works her jaw and fights back tears that sting her eyes. Guilt makes her gut churn and she pushes her food away from her. “Yeah, I get it. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to explain it to her if she doesn’t hear me when I do and won’t listen when I try again.”

He grimaces tightly. “Yeah, that’s…fair.”

She snorts. “Gee, thanks.”

“Catra…are you sure this is the right call? Was your relationship really unsalvageable?”

Catra turns away and looks at the family a couple tables over. They look happy, even if the moms do seem a bit frazzled. “I was starting to resent her, Bow.” She blinks and feels tears slide down her cheeks.

“Okay…okay, yeah. I’m really sorry, Catra.”

She shrugs. “Yeah, well…it’s over now, right?”

And yet, somehow, it feels like something is only just beginning.

-{…}-

Adora snaps awake from her nap the second the dorm door opens. “Bow?”

“Hey Adora.” He sounds tired and looks upset. _Not a good sign._

“How was it? How is she? Did she ask about me? What did you tell her?”

Glimmer, waking up far more slowly, puts a steadying hand on her back. “Okay, Adora. Why don’t we let Bow get in the door before hounding him?”

Adora huffs but allows it. Finally, _finally_ , he settles on his bed ten minutes later, a cup of tea in hand. “Well?”

He takes a deep breath. “Okay, first of all, I’m gonna remind you about _boundaries_. We can talk, but I’m not gonna tell you a bunch of shit my friend told me in confidence, okay?”

Adora deflates. “Yeah, of course…you’re a good friend, Bow.”

“Thank you. Now…Adora…” Another heavy sigh. “How much of a surprise was this, _really_?”

Adora’s gob smacked at the question. “ _What?_ Completely!”

“She didn’t talk to you at all about how she’d been feeling since the school year started?”

She thinks back through their interactions over the last couple months. “I…no? I mean, yeah of course she did. Nothing that made it seem like she wanted to _break up_ though. It’s been…hard, but we both expected that! New schools, new challenges, the forty-five minute drive was a little more of a hinderance than we thought…. What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

He’s grimacing and the crease between his eyebrows has only grown deeper as she’s carried on. “Did you both expect it to be hard Adora? Or did you assume you had the same expectations?”

“I-well-huh?” She feels herself go red at the implications.

“Look, I don’t want to get into it with you, but I think maybe you should process some of those conversations. Maybe call Dr. Peekablue if you can.”

“Wait, Bow, no! What are you saying? I don’t understand.”

“I think…I think Catra’s been struggling and I think maybe this wouldn’t have come as such a surprise if you two communicated a little better. _Both_ of you.”

“Bow, what did she say to you?”

“Adora…” Glimmer puts a warning hand on her shoulder, but she shrugs her off.

“No! You can’t say everything but what you actually mean! I get you’re trying to not betray her confidence, but what the hell, Bow?”

“Process, Adora.” He reiterates. “Then talk to her.”

And that…that is not illuminating _at all._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiiiii
> 
> Okay, up top just a couple notes I meant to include in chapter one.  
> First; A big thank you shoutout to Amitola12 who not only writes amazing stories of her own but has helped me out hugely with this story. I just added something like three chapters thanks to her notes and in my very biased opinion, it's some good shit.
> 
> Second, I made a playlist for this story! It was really just an excuse to make a breakup playlist because I've never made one before? Somehow. The irony of doing so for the first time in my late twenties while happily engaged is not lost on me. Also, for that reason there's a pretty high percentage of bops as compared to Crying Songs, but it's still a mood. Anyway, I'm still vetting it but if you wanna feel some feelings;  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/71KAY9zwpoBHFZ7Fi43Zvo?si=vdth1ObdSqqayrdOuGwLoQ  
> Songs 1&2 are Adora's breakup anthems, 3&4 are Catra's and that's what I have on that. 
> 
> We see a lil interaction between these two again next chapter, so...😬 see ya soon!
> 
> And last, but never least, thanks so much to everyone who read and responded to chapter one! Sorry if I made you cry, hope it was at least a good catharsis if ya did!!


	3. Catarina!

Adora does indeed call Dr. Peekablue. Several times. In fact, they start seeing each other weekly again; something they haven’t done since her junior year. It…helps, sort of. Their second session is on Catra’s birthday and Adora spends most of it just sobbing into the phone. Not her finest moment, but she’s not holding it against herself.

Gradually, things do get easier. By the time she’s driving home with Glimmer for autumn break she feels almost like a real person again. Catra will be driving back with Bow in Glimmer’s car. They were all gonna take the trip together but…well, plans change. Adora tries not to think about it too much.

“Are you gonna see her over break, you think?” Glimmer’s voice snaps her out of her reverie.

“Huh?”

“You know she still wants to talk to you, right?” Adora blinks and stares ahead at the road.

“Yeah, I know.”

“Are you ready?” Is she? She’s not sure she’ll ever be. So far, she’s managed to avoid having a conversation with Catra as her _ex_. Just thinking the word makes her heart turn to stone in her chest.

“How would I know? If I am.”

Glimmer sighs. “I’m not sure, babe.” Adora winces at the term of endearment. It’s nothing new from Glimmer, totally harmless. She’s just been so tender for the last month.

“I guess…maybe then. I know Razz wants to see her.”

Glimmer sucks a breath through her teeth. “Awkward.”

Adora shrugs, adjusting her grip on the wheel. “She’s part of the family.” _Don’t fucking cry_ again _, Greyskull!_

“Oh, Adora…”

“Whatever, it’s fine. Catra’s not in love with me, I’ll find a way to live through that.” _Somehow._

“Well, you’ve been doing a lot better the last week or so!” Glimmer’s trying for encouraging but the forced enthusiasm just makes Adora cringe.

“Thanks, I guess. It’s been…a little easier.”

“Hey,” Glimmer sets a hand on her arm. “you’re gonna be good, you just need time.”

And _stars_ , does Adora hope that’s true.

Crystal Castle isn’t too far from home so they get to Glimmer’s in just a few hours. Then Adora turns the car toward home. Honestly, she can’t wait to get in. The thought of her own bed, of seeing Mara and Hope, and Razz too, is honestly giving her life right now.

She parks and leaves most of her laundry in the car, ready to just be inside already. She expects a wave of relief to meet her at the door. What she does _not_ expect to be met with is the sound of Catra D’riluth’s distinctly squeaky laugh coming from the living room. And she certainly doesn’t expect to see Bow and Catra fucking D’riluth _sitting_ in her _living room_.

When she sees he in the doorway, Catra stands suddenly from her seat. She very nearly nearly knocks an untouched plate of pie to the ground. “ _Fuck!_ I’m so sorry, Greyskull.” Her panicked eyes cut to Bow. “You were supposed to be-“ She looks at her watch and gulps. Adora can only guess the full sentence was meant to be; _You were supposed to be an hour behind us_. Evidently, they’ve been here for a while.

Either unaware of, or refusing to oblige, the awkwardness that has settled in the room, Razz stands from the couch. “Mara dearie! You’re finally home!”

Adora blinks rapidly, totally in shock. “Uh…hi Razz.” The snapping to, she turns to Razz and corrects, “It’s _Adora_ , Razz. You haven’t seen me in two months, you can’t cut me a little slack?”

Movement from the corner of her eye distracts her from her aunt. Bow is standing too now and exchanging panicked whispers with Catra. He sees Adora looking and clears his throat. “Uh, we should go! My dads! Uh…are expecting me. So. Good to see you, Razz. Adora, I…will…call you?”

She nods vaguely, her full attention back on Catra. Her ex-girlfriend, Catra. And then she watches them walk out the door.

-{…}-

“ _What?_ ” Catra screeches, looking at Bow like he’s a madman. Which, honestly, she’s starting to suspect he is. “No, of course I told her no.”

“C’mon Catra, I know you miss her.”

She sighs heavily. “ _Of course_ I miss Razz.” That’s true. “But it’s still totally inappropriate for me to go to Adora’s home without her knowledge to say hi to _her_ aunt, a month after I’ve dumped her.” That’s even more true.

Bow merges onto the freeway and frowns at her. “She’s your aunt too, for all intents and purposes.”

_Low fucking blow, Bow_. “That’s not…it’s not the-way to miss the forest for the trees, Bow!”

“Look, I get it. But I think a quick drive by would be good for _both_ of you. Adora has to pick up Glimmer, so they’re gonna be _at least_ an hour behind us. More if I know Glimmer.” He pauses for a beat and then, “Which I do by the way.”

Catra huffs, trying her hardest not to get sucked in. It’s just…she _does_ really miss Razz. And the old kook hasn’t stopped hassling her the last couple weeks, informing her in no uncertain terms that she fully expects to still see Catra over the break. It made her feel loved and wonderful, and awful and guilty all at once. If it were anyone else, she’d have started screening their calls.

“You know I want to.”

“Right, which is why I’m encouraging you.” She huffs again and looks out the window. Bow lets her fall into a contemplative silence. It stretches on about forty minutes, then her phone breaks it.

“It’s Mara.” She tells him, totally bewildered.

“You gonna answer it?”

She looks at it like it might up and bite her. “I…guess?” She accepts the call. “Mara?”

“Hey, kid.” The sound of her voice makes Catra want to cry.

She clears the emotion from her throat. “Uh, hey. What’s up?”

“I’m calling about Razz.” She says it heavily, like the task is weighing on her. _Here we go, at least the decision is gonna be made for me. Go ahead, Mara; tell me not to show my stupid fucking face in your home._ “I think it’d be nice if you stopped by.”

“ _What?_ ” Bow asks her questions with his eyes, but she waves him off. “Why?”

“Listen, I know Razz has been hassling you, and I tried to tell her to lay off. I just…I don’t want you to feel pressured if you’re not comfortable here anymore.”

“I…” Catra clears her throat. “I’m not not comfortable. I just didn’t want to like, overstep. I mean, Adora…”

“Adora’s not here and won’t be for a bit. We miss you, kid; I think you should swing through.” There’s no stopping Catra’s tears now, and she turns toward the window to hide them from Bow. “Razz is at the house now, I’m not sure I’ll make it home by the time you leave though. If not, I’d like to see you before you head back to campus. Is that okay?”

“ _Okay?_ I-are you sure? You really don’t have to…”

“I want to, Catra. We can grab lunch or something, alright? Out of the house.”

“I…yeah, okay. Um...thank you.”

“Sure thing, kid. Listen, I gotta go. Boss is giving me the stink eye. I’ll see you soon though.”

“Yeah, bye Mar.”

“Bye!” They hang up and Catra blinks out the window, seeing nothing.

“So…” She turns back to Bow. “To Mara’s place first?”

Wordlessly, she nods.

…{-}…

By winter break of their senior year of high school Catra and Adora’s standing dates moved to Sunday mornings. Well, late mornings at Catra’s insistence. She wasn’t about to start waking up at the ass crack of dawn again just to see Adora sooner. It had been a tempting idea but like, as much as she loved her girlfriend, she also loves sleep.

So, late Sunday mornings it was. It was a purely logistical switch. By then Catra was coming over every Sunday afternoon anyway, having been adopted into Adora and Razz’s baking routine. Of course, she never fully figured out what she was doing. Thus, she was never allowed anywhere near the pie crust.

That is, until the weekend before Winter Solstice. Adora had caught strep, how Catra avoided the same fate was anyone’s guess. It meant she was holed up in bed, but she and Razz had insisted Catra come over anyway. Her protests that they ought to just postpone till midweek fell on deaf ears.

Now, why this meant Catra had to make the crust, and not Razz, she’d never know. Apparently, it did though, so she measured out flour as instructed on the recipe card she’d never even seen before that day. Evidently Adora didn’t need the reminder. _And why is_ that _hot…?_

Anyway, it wasn’t going super fabulously. The crust was weirdly dry and cracking as Catra worked it. Also, well…

“ _Catarina!_ ” Catra rolled her eyes at the name, far past arguing over it at this point.

“ _What_ , Razz?”

“How have you done this?” Catra looked at the mess Razz was indicating and, yeah, it was bad. She didn’t have an answer for Razz’s question either. She had no _clue_ how flour had made it all the way over _there_. She idly wondered if there had even been that much in the sack to begin with.

Then her shins are being smacked with a broom. “Razz!” She protested.

“We will give this floor the old Razzle Dazzle before we continue.”

Catra jumped back from another whack of the broom. “Okay, well I don’t know what the fuck a razzle dazzle is, but you’re definitely not cleaning it with that thing!” It was true, between swipes at her shins Razz was just using her broom to shift the flour on the floor around.

“Uh oh.” Mara’s voice sounded from the doorway. “Did I hear Razzle Dazzle? What’d you do to my kitchen, D’riluth?”

“Fucking nothing!”

Mara made her way into the kitchen and stopped short. Then she had burst out laughing. “Damn, kid. You trying to bring the snow inside or something?”

Catra growled at her, not that it fazed her any. “Shut up, Mara. I didn’t even wanna make the fucking crust to begin with!” She turns on Razz. “I _told you_ to just let me cut the fucking fruit again.”

With a sweep of her broom Razz sends a puff of flour in her direction, _covering_ her in white powder. She should have worn Adora’s stupid horse apron. “Nonsense, dearie! All of the family must know how to make the pie. It’s tradition, you know that!”

Catra felt her heart stop. “I-wh-what?”

Razz huffed and dropped her broom flat on the ground. It sent a puff of powder into the air and idly Catra noticed the way the late afternoon sun hit it. It made the grains floating the air almost seem to glow. She turned to Mara and suddenly her expression was much softer. Catra felt like a lost little kid, searching for an adult to help her navigate the world.

She turned back when Razz addressed her once more. “You must _learn_ , dearie.”

“I-I’m not… _Adora and Mara_ are your nieces. I’m fucking fine being on filling duty.”

Razz had scowled at her, then came in close to set a hand on her shoulder. Her head tipped to the side and she asked, “What are you talking about, Catarina? You think a bloodline makes a family? Pah!”

Catra’s heart stopped then. “We-well _no_ , but-“

“But nothing!” Razz had practically shouted in that eccentric way of hers. “You want to be part of this family?”

With wide, frantic eyes Catra turned to Mara for help. Of course, she’d offered none. All she had for Catra was poorly concealed laughter and warm eyes. “I, well I-guess?”

“Then you must learn to make the pie.”

“O-okay.”

She stared, eyes still wide as the rings of Saturn, as Razz collected more butter from the fridge, and shoved it in her hand. “Did I tell you about the time I made pie for that woman?”

Catra gulped. “What woman?” Mara snorts and when Catra looks to see what that’s all about she sees that Mara has left without a word.

“Oh, she was in that movie. What was it called?” Razz snaps her fingers. “Casablanca!”

Catra startles. “Wait, what?”

…{-}…

“Catarina dearie!” Razz greets her like a long lost daughter. It makes her cry embarrassingly.

She lets the full name thing slide with Razz. First of all, because she always gets it _wrong_. Second, because at some point she finally admitted to herself that she likes the way it sounds in Razz’s weird affected accent.

“Hey Razz.” Catra initiates a hug and Razz squeezes her back tightly enough she marvels at how sturdy the old woman is, not for the first time.

“And Bow, come in, come in, dearie.” She ushers them into the living room and Catra is instantly on edge. There are too many memories here, but she showed up for Razz. So, she fights to push them down. It’s a mostly futile effort, but she tries.

Razz serves up slices of peach pie and doesn’t notice when Catra is too nervous to touch hers. She just peppers them with questions about school, running off on tangents about her own youth. The timelines of her stories never make sense; somehow, she claims to have been both in college and in what sounds like a low-key cult for most of the sixties.

The familiar and increasingly peculiar stories have Catra slowly starting to relax. She laughs freely when Razz gets to the one about baking pies for a supposed messiah, who turned out to just be a roadie from a show she’d gone to that night. And then, suddenly, Adora Greyskull is in the doorway.

Catra stands from her seat, nearly knocking her pie to the ground. “ _Fuck!_ I’m so sorry, Greyskull.” She looks to Bow for guidance, totally panicked. He’s no help, of fucking course. “You were supposed to be-“ She looks at her watch and gulps. It’s been an hour and a half. _Fuck!_

Totally unbothered, Razz stands from the couch. “Mara dearie! You’re finally home!”

Adora just blinks, never tearing her gaze from Catra. “Uh…hi Razz.” Then suddenly she seems to rejoin them on this plane of existence, and she turns to Razz to sass her. “It’s _Adora_ , Razz. You haven’t seen me in two months, and you can’t cut me a little slack?”

With them distracted, Catra leans in to whisper harshly with Bow. “I _knew_ this was a terrible fucking idea, we need to go. _Now!_ ”

“I’m so sorry, I should have been keeping better track of the time.”

“It’s _fine_ , we just need to get _out_ of here.”

“Right, yeah, of course!” He turns and freezes. _Crap!_ Adora is looking right at them. Bow clears his throat and explains, “Uh, we should go! My dads! Uh…are expecting me. So. Good to see you, Razz. Adora, I…will…call you?”

She nods vaguely, staring at Catra all the while. With her confirmation, Bow leads them outside. Their halfway to the car when the door bursts open behind them. Catra spins to see a wild eyed Adora standing on the stoop in her socked feet.

“Catra! Wait, fuck, sorry, please will you just-“

Catra freezes and turns to Bow. He shrugs and inclines his head to the car, indicating that he’ll wait there for her. Then suddenly Adora is in front of her, arms crossed over her chest in only a hoodie. “Look, I’m really sorry, Greyskull. Razz just kept calling and I-you were never supposed to see me. I wanna respect your space and-“

Adora waves her off. “It’s fine, it’s fine. I know Razz really wanted to see you. Can we just…talk?”

“Talk?” Catra confirms. After a month of zero contact Catra had resigned herself to no breakup talk. She figured she’d just have to find closure some other way, grieving the loss of everything they were alone.

“Yeah.” Adora nods, looking a little less wild and instead beseeching. “Look, I know I kept you waiting, but I just didn’t know how to-“

“Dude, it’s fine. Did you want to talk like…now?”

“I…whenever.”

Catra rolls her eyes, unable to help herself. “What do you _want_ , Adora?”

She sighs. “Is later today okay? I’d like to catch up with Razz and maybe take a shower.”

“Sounds good. Wanna get dinner at the diner or something?”

Adora gulps and nods. “Ye-yeah. That works. Um, say seven?”

“See ya then, Greyskull.”

“Uh, yeah. Sounds good, D’riluth.”

Catra offers a short salute and walks away. Before she knows it, she’s driving away with Bow, leaving a sock footed Adora standing in her driveway.

-{…}-

Predictably, Adora is early. She sits in the car, listening to her breakup playlist while she waits for seven to roll around. Well, actually she listens to Strangers by Stasney Mav on repeat for twenty minutes. She’s fine; it’s not a cry for help.

She’s startled from her nth listen through by a knock at her window. It’s Catra, naturally. Adora gets out and they exchange an awkward hello. She wants to hug her so bad her arms ache. Of course, she doesn’t do that, and they file inside. They’re quiet while they place their orders and after the server walks away the silence grows awkward.

“So…” Adora starts, with no idea where she’s going. She might cry, but she’s doing her best to keep it in check.

“Um, thanks for meeting me.”

“Yeah, thanks for waiting.”

“Course.” They fall back into silence. “Was there…you wanted to talk?”

Adora bites her lip and nods. “I don’t really know where to start. I just-what _happened_ , Catra? To make you fall…out of…um…love. With me.”

Catra rubs her face awkwardly. “It’s not that simple, Adora. I didn’t suddenly wake up one day and realize it wasn’t there anymore, you know?”

Going for honestly, Adora shakes her head. “I get that it’s not simple, but can you _try_ and explain it to me?”

Catra huffs. “I just...it was always gonna be weird, you know? Going to different schools and-and finding our ways separately but still somehow together.”

Adora nods eagerly. This she understands, this is the part where she’d figured they were on the same page. She’s glad she wasn’t _totally_ off base. “Yeah, definitely!”

Catra searches her face for a second before continuing. “I…I always kind of figured you’d take to it quicker than I would, it’s all the shit you’re good at. But then-“

“Wait-sorry! Sorry to interrupt, it’s just; what do you mean, ‘all the shit you’re good at’?”

Catra’s lips purse and her mouth quirks to the side for a moment. “I dunno, all of it. Making friends, school-“

“Catra,” Adora interrupts with a light scoff. “You were our class valedictorian, and you know that shit didn’t come easy for me! I mean-“

“I-I know, Adora. Sorry, that’s not what I meant. Not the class part, just like…dealing with teachers and shit. I mean, sure I did good in school, but half our teachers _hated_ me.”

“Oh, they did not.” Adora argues.

Catra levels her with a look. “You weren’t around the first couple years, Adora. It got better after I settled in and I got lucky with class assignments junior and senior year. But Freshman year? Lashor tried to get me fucking expelled for plagiarism. _Twice_.”

“ _What?_ How did I not know this?”

Catra laughs humorlessly. “That’s what I’m saying. It doesn’t come easy for me, okay? I’m a bitch so people don’t fucking like me at first, sometimes they never warm up and-“

“Catra-“

“Stars a-fucking-live, Greyskull. Will you quit interrupting me?”

“No, not if you’re gonna sit here and ask me to listen to you indulge in self-flagellation like this!”

“Adora!” She barks. “This is the entire fucking problem! You’re so busy trying to fix it-to fix _me_ \- that you won’t even listen to what I’m _saying_.”

Adora growls right back at her. “And you’re so busy trying to make yourself out to be some worthless piece of shit, you won’t even give yourself half a fucking chance!” Catra just glares at her. “What the fuck happened Catra? I haven’t heard you talk like this since you started seeing your counselor senior year.”

Catra turns red and her eyes flick up, and then immediately back down. It’s a tell. Adora ought to know; she’s learned every one of Catra’s tells by this point. “ _Nothing_ , fuck will you just-“ 

“ _What…”_ Adora pitches her voice low and dangerous and Catra’s eyes go wide. “ _happened?_ ”

“ _Nothing._ Adora, knock it off.” She doesn’t sound mad anymore. In fact, there’s a look in her eye that Adora hasn’t seen since…. An inferno rages to life in her chest. “Adora…?”

She takes a few intentional breaths. “Catra, so help me…”

“Dude, calm down.”

“Be _honest_ with me Catra. I get that you’re pissed at me, and I _know_ our communication could use some work, but there’s something else. You’re holding something back.”

Catra starts avoiding Adora’s gaze and the fire creeps its way up Adora’s throat. “It’s not relevant.” She tells her in a harsh whisper.

“Like hell it’s not! That fucking bitch broke her restraining order, didn’t she?” Catra’s eyes go wide with surprise. “Please tell me you fucking reported her.”

“I-no! Sort of, fuck, how did you even…?”

Adora laughs harshly. “Please, Catra, I might be oblivious but I’m not fucking stupid and I know you as well as anyone.”

“Better than, apparently.” Catra mutters under her breath.

“When?” Adora demands.

“Look, it’s not that simple, okay? And she didn’t really break it. It was just a couple messages!”

“That _is_ fucking breaking it, D’riluth. It’s a no contact order.” Adora’s fucking seething. Somewhere in the back of her mind she wonders how long it would take to get to Weaver’s doorstep. She feels like she might actually be able to breathe fire at this point if presented with that horrible excuse for a person.

“Adora, _stop_ , okay? It’s-it’s not-she wasn’t just fucking with me!”

“Like _hell_ she wasn’t. What did she even say to you?”

“She thinks she found my dad!” Catra admits in a rush. And just like that all of the wind falls out of Adora’s sails.

“And you _believe_ her?”

“I-no? Maybe…I don’t know honestly. It just-I decided it didn’t matter, I never responded. I-if he didn’t want me then…”

Of fucking course, their server chooses that moment to deliver their food. Catra does her best to hide her watering eyes and Adora thanks her with a tight smile. Adora doesn’t know what to do once she’s gone. She _wants_ to fly across the table and gather Catra in her arms. But, she supposes, she’s probably not allowed to be that familiar. This is still their breakup talk after all. Sort of.

This is a fucking mess.

“Catra…” Adora sighs.

“Just…don’t, Adora, okay?”

“You really don’t think this is relevant?”

Catra works her jaw. “No, I don’t.”

“Are you still talking to your doctor?”

“She doesn’t do phone appointments. I’ve been seeing someone at the student health center.” Adora nods. “It’s…hard to get in very often.”

“If…if you can’t see how this is relevant then…we can talk about the communication stuff but-“ She cuts off, unsure how to explain herself.

“But what?”

“But if you can’t be honest with yourself how can I expect you to be honest with me?”

Catra laughs shortly. “Wow, okay. You always do go right for the heart of things, don’t you, Greyskull?”

Adora just shrugs. “So, you were saying you expected me to settle in easier because you perceive me as being better with people at school.”

Catra narrows her eyes but slowly nods. “Yeah…basically. Plus, you have like, sports shit.”

Adora suppresses an eyeroll. Getting through this conversation while tiptoeing around Catra’s resurfacing feelings of inadequacy is going to be torture. If not downright impossible. Adora’s ‘sports shit’ and the attention it garnered, attention she never really _wanted_ mind you, was always a huge trigger for that.

“Uh huh.” Adora shoves a bite of omelet in her mouth to keep herself from interrupting with this assessment. 

“So just…I know it was hard for both of us to settle in, but like, you had natural places _to_ settle in. Plus, you have Bow.” Adora swallows down her comment that her and Bow are less than an hour away. And, okay, yeah; she kind of gets the ‘busy trying to fix it’ comment.

“Okay, yeah, that’s true.” She admits instead. It seems to pacify Catra, at least a little bit.

“So, when I tried to talk to you about, like, things being hard it felt to me like you’d only give advice based on your experience. You know, instead of hearing out what it was like for me. Or even just, like, _listening_.”

Adora bites her lip and nods. “I’m sorry.”

“I-what?”

“You’re right, and I’m sorry. I mean, I _felt_ like I was listening and hearing you but clearly you didn’t feel heard. And the other thing…yeah, that’s definitely true. I just…wanted it to be good for you, you know? All...all I want is for you to be happy.” She sniffs and takes a swig of her water to cover the surfacing emotions. “I’m sorry I wasn’t better at being just a listening ear for you.”

“Yeah…” Catra answers, a little shell shocked. “Uh, thanks.”

“Can we…ahem. Going forward, whatever that looks like, maybe we can just check in about that? You can tell me if you’re looking for help finding solutions or if you just need to vent. And if you don’t or I’m not sure, I’ll just ask? Once we’re…if we start like, talking again.”

Catra nods tentatively. It’s like Adora’s response is the last thing she expected. It is a one-eighty from her flight off the handle when Weaver came up, she’ll give her that. Still, Adora’s a little frustrated at being underestimated. And at the fact that it took breaking up to have this conversation.

“That…sounds good, thanks.”

“Was that it?”

“Huh?”

Adora runs her tongue over her teeth. “Was that the only reason you dumped me?”

Catra rubs her eyes and slumps in her seat. “I mean, I feel like you’re over simplifying it but yeah, that was the main thing.”

Adora nods, considering this. “Can I ask you something?”

“Course.”

“You said we were fighting all the time.”

Catra gulps. “Yeah…”

“Well I’ve been over it and over it; I’ve unpacked it with Dr. Peekablue too and I just…I still don’t feel like that rings true for me.”

Catra tips her head and squints at Adora. “ _Really_?”

Adora nods. “I mean, I know we bickered a little more than usual but…I thought we were both just stressed and crabby. It didn’t feel like we were _fighting_.”

“Okay…I mean, it did to me. What’s your question?”

Adora sets down her cutlery and wipes tears from her eyes. “Maybe you felt like we were fighting, but it didn’t even _register_ as fighting for me, Cat. Why-why didn’t you fight harder for me? For us? I…I’d’ve done…I would have done _anything_ you asked of me if it was within my power.” Adora chokes on a sob and Catra looks on, wide eyed. “How was it so easy for you to walk away?”

“I-I…Adora, I don’t-“ Adora nods sadly at her speechlessness.

“I need some air.” She leaves Catra at the table and steps outside. Around the corner she finds an upturned milk crate to sit on and she _cries._

There’s no way for her to know how long she’s out there before Catra finds her. Sometime after she’s settled from sobbing to sniffling, she hears the crunch of gravel and Catra’s boots appear in her line of sight.

“Adora?” She ventures tentatively.

Mostly calm, Adora sniffles and mops up her face with her sleeve. “Oh, um, hey.”

“Hey…I uh, cashed us out. I wasn’t sure if you were done but they were sort of eyeing the table. Um, I got your leftovers though.”

“Thanks.” It comes out hoarse, she must really have been at it for a while.

Catra crouches down in front of her and sets the take out containers to the side. “Can I answer your question now?”

Small, quiet, and plaintive, comes, “Please.”

A nod and Catra squeezes her eyes shut, leaning back on her heels. “I know…I get that it didn’t feel like we were arguing to you, and I’m _sorry_ for not communicating better. It’s just…every time we got off the phone, I was so frustrated and _mad_ at you. One day I just saw this future where that built and built and built until I resented you so much it burned away whatever was left.

“I care about you so much, Adora. You’re…you still feel like my family. I was scared that if I hung on just because I didn’t want to lose that, to lose you, I’d lose you even more than I already have.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m really mad at you, Catra.” Adora realizes the truth of that even as the words fall from her lips.

“Oh.”

“And…” She can’t hold back a small sob. “I’m still in love with you.”

“ _Fuck_.” Catra whispers, more to herself than anything.

Adora blinks away her tears, letting them fall freely. Then she cups Catra’s face gently. She watches her eyes grow impossibly wide. “More than anything? I’m worried about you, Catra. The Weaver stuff…the _dad_ stuff, please, _please_ unpack it.”

“ _Adora_ …” Catra’s voice breaks on her name. She just shakes her head.

“It concerns me that you can’t see…”

“See what?” Catra whispers. Adora wipes tears from her cheeks with her thumbs.

“It’s poison, Cat, and it touches _everything._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyy, how're we all feeling?  
> We have a processing (or a beginning to process...), always a good thing. And these two def still love each other so much!!   
> Also, some good news if you need it; Mermmy makes her return next chapter, and isn't that the content we're all really here for?
> 
> Okay, thanks for reading!! I know this one stings and honestly I'd say this is peak angst for me, but it won't hurt forever!


	4. Adora's a Simp Magnet

_“It’s poison, Cat, and it touches_ everything _.”_

Three weeks later and Adora’s word are still cycling through Catra’s brain. She wants so badly to be pissed about them, but something stops her. In her gut she knows that probably means there’s some truth to them. Had a few measly messages from Weaver really affected her _that_ much? And if so, does that not make her just as pathetic as her ex-guardian always said she is?

Not for the first time, she wishes she could process this with Adora. It makes her feel even more pathetic. She’d been doing a little better when autumn break rolled around but…there’s been some regression. These days she spends a lot of time in her dorm, ignoring her roommate and blasting her breakup playlist through her headphones.

It’s what she’s been doing since she woke up, far too early. It’s also what she’s planning to do with the rest of her day until suddenly Octavia rips them off. “What the hell?” She yelps.

Octavia just jerks her thumb over her shoulder in explanation. And there, in her dorm room, is Mermista fucking Sealineas. She’s taken a gap year to intern at her dad’s company, so this isn’t the first time she’s come to visit Catra. It _is_ , however, the first time she’s showed up unannounced.

“You look fucking gross, D’riluth. When’s the last time you showered?” Catra balks at the audacity. Mermista ignores it and turns to Octavia. “Tavia, when’s the last time she showered?”

“Pft, I dunno. Girl’s nasty; Monday probably.” It was actually Sunday, but Catra’s not about to correct her.

She groans and buries her face with a pillow. “Fuck off, both of you.” She screams into it.

Mermista rips it off her face. “Not a fucking chance, Catrina.”

“Why the hell are you here?”

“Because,” Mermista starts, moving to dig around for Catra’s towel and shower caddy. “I’m a great fucking friend and you’re about to flunk over some girl.”

“Aren’t you and Greyskull supposed to be friends?” Catra grumbles, burying her face again.

Mermista pulls it off once more and replaces it with her towel. “Not right now. Right now, I’m _your_ friend and I’m here to make sure you don’t throw this opportunity away over your high school sweetheart, who _you_ dumped by the way.”

Catra works her jaw and tries to will away her tears. “It’s not just her.”

“Great, we’ll talk about it after your morning class. Go fucking shower or you’ll be late.”

Catra sits up and gives her a sad look. “Merms, I-“

“You can thank me later, D’riluth. Now _go_ so Octavia and I can talk about you behind your back.”

Catra blinks away tears and nods. And for once, she listens.

Catra _hates_ her morning class. Whoever scheduled her for math so early was a sadist, she’s sure of it. But, for the first time in weeks, she gets through it. Mermista is waiting for her with two coffees when class lets out. They walk over to a ramen place just off campus and Mermista rambles.

She updates Catra on work, which is mostly boring. There’s a torrid affair going on between her boss and one of the interns though, which _gross_. Mermista details how she plans to get the guy fired.

She also talks about Seahawk. Apparently, things are much better for them now he’s hundreds of miles away. She claims they were made for long distance. Catra has to cut her off when she gets just _a little_ too enthusiastic about their reunion sex over autumn break. _Fucking nasty._

Then their food comes and Mermista dives in. “Bow said he thinks you might be clinically depressed.”

“ _What?_ ”

“I said probably just traumatized.”

“ _Excuse me?_ ”

“We settled on PTSD.”

“I- _what?_ ”

“ _We think you have PTSD_.” She explains again, slowly.

“Yeah, well you try growing up with Weaver!”

“Right, exactly the point; of course you have some trauma.”

“Wow, this is like, _really_ personal.” Mermista just shrugs. “Whatever, is there a point to this?”

“Yeah, the point is; why has this breakup sent you into such a spiral? I mean, don’t get me wrong, Grey’s all fucked up too. Just…”

“What?”

Mermista huffs impatiently. “Catra, I didn’t drive three and a half fucking hours for you to dodge my questions.”

“It’s not Adora, okay?” Catra finally snaps. “Not entirely, or maybe it is…I don’t fucking know anymore! Weaver messaged me.”

“ _Ew_ , did you report her? When even was this?”

“I-no, I didn’t. And like…end of September.”

“ _Ah_.” She adopts a knowing expression. “So, I take it this played into the breakup somehow.”

“Fuck, I mean, I didn’t think so.” Catra nearly whines. How is everyone seeing this but her? Even her therapist made a comment when she finally fessed up about the messages.

“But?”

“But I told Adora and she clearly thinks it does.”

“Well…the timing’s significant. What did she say?”

Catra rolls the response around in her mind and pokes at her food. “She said she found my dad.”

Mermista’s eyes shoot open comically wide. “Wow, okay. And?”

“And…I freaked out. Eventually though…I mean, why should I even trust her, right? And even if she _did_ find him, why should I care? He never wanted me. I’m a fucking adult now, I don’t need my _daddy_ or whatever.”

“Makes sense…. Was that it?”

Catra hesitates. This is the part she’d not gotten into with anyone, though she expects Adora has her suspicions. “No.” She pauses again. “When I…didn’t respond she freaked out. It wasn’t anything new, but just like…the usual.”

“The usual?” Mermista’s eyebrows pinch together and rise.

“Yeah, you know; ‘You’re worthless.’, ‘He dodged a bullet never taking you in, wish I’d been so lucky.’, ‘Saw you got into college, wonder how long that’s gonna last.’. Shit like that. Reminded me my mom dropped out when she got pregnant with me and that’s why…”

Catra trails off and Mermista grabs her wrist. “We can be done if you need to be, D’riluth.”

Catra shakes her head. “I think if I stop now, I’ll never start again.” She stares at her soup. “Is that okay?”

“Hey.” She waits until Catra looks up, her gaze is uncharacteristically soft and gentle. “Whatever you need.”

Catra steels herself with a breath and a nod. “Ahem, she reminded me why my mom dropped out and said…it’s was something like; the reason she died was we lived in poverty because she had no education, so she couldn’t afford the help she needed. It was my fault.”

Mermista’s gaze sharpens. “Your fault; was that her or your takeaway?”

“Does it matter?” Catra sniffles.

“ _Catra_ , you know what? No, it doesn’t; because it’s not fucking true. Ugh, I could murder that hag. I might.” Catra chuckles wetly. “What happened to your mom was a tragedy, D’riluth. What happened to you might even be worse. You were just a _baby_ , Catra. She didn’t have to have you and she didn’t have to keep you, she _wanted_ you. And frankly, if I had to guess, you’re probably the reason she held on as long as she did.”

Catra _loathes_ crying in public. Still, she blubbers, “Bu-but the postpartum…”

“ _Not_ your fault.” Mermista insists. “You know, my mom had it too.”

“She did?” Mrs. Sealineas is…well, she and Linda D’ream are cut from the same cloth, if that gives you an idea.

“Real bad from the way she tells it. Didn’t hold me for _months_. Was that my fucking fault?”

Catra crumples under the logic. “ _No_.”

“Exactly. Don’t let that old crone into your head.” Catra nods, hating that she’s right; that’s exactly what Catra allowed to happen. _Fucking pathetic_. “So…”

“What?”

“Well, I’m guessing that brought up some stuff. Feelings of inadequacy maybe? Guilt and shame…”

Catra can’t help her eyeroll. “Why do I feel like this is about to circle back to Greyskull?”

Mermista raises an eyebrow. “You tell me.”

“I-she’s always been too good for me!” That earns her an eyeroll. She chooses to ignore it.“I mean, never mind the fact she’s this picture-perfect fucking golden girl. I can’t even get a couple mean messages without going off the deep end!”

“Catra…”

“ _What?_ ”

“Look, I love that girl, but Adora’s a fucking disaster. In case you forgot she _also_ has PTSD. When shit went down with _you_ junior year, she practically stopped sleeping! It was like night of the fucking living dead. And remind me; who helped her out of that funk?”

“I-well I mean, that was my fault!”

Mermista gives her an unimpressed look. “It’s your fault you were being abused?”

“Well, _no_ …but I practically bit her head off! I made sure she felt like crap for trying to help.”

“Uh huh, and she handled the situation with all the grace of a bull in a china shop. Also, if you remember _correctly,_ it wasn’t your reaction that triggered her. It was dealing with a situation similar to her own, which she put off processing for well over a year.”

“I-well-you just have all the answers, don’t you, Merms?” She shrugs, looking smug. “She still…fine, okay, maybe we have similar trauma…”

“But?” Mermista challenges.

“Well…I mean, you’ve seen her! And how girls respond to her. She’s like a fucking simp magnet.”

“Uh huh, and _you’ve_ seen how she responds to that attention. She fucking hates that shit. If she could play basketball in a dark room or like, only in front of people who aren’t attracted to women and you, she absolutely would. You’re kind of being an asshole.”

“ _Excuse me?_ _How_ , exactly?”

“Do you trust your girlfriend, D’riluth?”

“She’s not my girlfriend anymore, _Mermmy_.”

Mermista just rolls her eyes. “Whatever. Do you trust _Adora_ then?”

“Yeah, she’s-of course I do.”

“Then what does it matter who’s attracted to her? I get feeling insecure, and it’s fair to feel that way sometimes. But are you really gonna let that stop _both_ of you from being happy? Just…remember that you trust her, even on the bad days, and you’ll be okay.”

“Whatever. Maybe you have a point but it’s moot.”

“How exactly?” She’s back to looking like her usual bored self now.

“Uh…we broke up?”

“Lemme ask you this; you still love her?”

Suddenly Catra’s wiping away tears again. _You’re gonna run of tears out soon, you little baby!_ “I do.”

“And the _in_ love distinction, where do you fall on that?”

A sniffle. “I…yeah, I’m still in love with her.” She’s not sure exactly when she realized what a horrible mistake she’d made. Somewhere in the middle of missing Adora so bad it hurt, probably.

“Why did you tell her you weren’t?” This question come out a little more fierce, protective even.

Catra looks down at her bowl again. She watches a tear drip down her nose and into the broth. “I…I felt so numb. I really couldn’t feel it anymore. I don’t even know how to describe it I just…I meant it, but I was wrong.” She looks up into her friend’s eyes. “I miss her so bad.”

Mermista nods. “You might get depressed again.” Catra squeezes her eyes shut and nods. “You’re in therapy?” Another nod. “Good, figure out some coping skills. Ways to communicate with your partner when you start feeling numb. Depression, anxiety, PTSD; whatever this is, it’s no reason you can’t have a successful relationship, Catra.” And with that she digs into her meal.

Catra takes a minute longer to compose herself, and then, “Mermista?” She looks up, almost apathetic but for the softness in her eyes. “Thank you…really, I can never-“

“Whatever, don’t make a big thing of it, D’riluth.” Catra obliges; the best way she can think to honor her friend.

…{-}…

Glimmer’s eighteenth birthday party was…well, Adora thought her sweet sixteen was a total bash. It was like a party at Chuck-E-Cheese compared to what she had planned for this party. It was ‘Black Tie Optional’, and Glimmer made it clear that if anyone showed up in their prom clothes, she would be judging them all night.

Which is how she’d managed to drag Adora’s butt to the mall. A mere _six months_ after junior prom too. She typically tries for once a year or less. Of course, as long as they’ve been friends, Glimmer’s never let her make it more than eight months.

“Adora! This is supposed to be fun, remember?” She chided, not for the first time. At least Bow was allowed on this trip, he’d always been good at cutting through tension.

“I’m having fun! See?” She plastered on a fake smile, but she was _trying_. Glimmer just harrumphed at her.

“Hey! Maybe it’s time for a break? I could use a snack!” Bow smiled encouragingly at them.

Glimmer looked ready to argue but Bow gave her a look and she conceded. Adora could have kissed him in that moment, she’d been ravenous truth be told. So, with varying degrees of enthusiasm, they made their way to the food court.

While Adora waited in line she pulled out her phone, smiling when she saw a text from Catra.

**Catra**

Find a look yet?

I’m bored

When are u getting home

Adoraaaaaaaa

**Adora**

Lol!

No!!

There was one I liked….

Glim said it made me look “Matronly”.

**Catra**

Hahahahah

Pics??

Adora rolled her eyes but dutifully sent the photo she’d taken in the dressing room. She hadn’t totally decided if she was gonna send it, mostly because Glimmer recommended she not. Because it looked so matronly, obviously. All the tact in the world, that one.

**Catra**

YOU LIKED THIS

?????

**Adora**

Okay, rude!

**Catra**

I have never seen you wear ruffles

Y does it have so many ruffles?

Y do you like this?

Are u okay?

**Adora**

Shut up!

I liked the color.

**Catra**

Babe

Babe

Babe

**Adora**

What babe?

**Catra**

R

U

OK

???

**Adora**

I’m getting pizza now.

Byeeeee!!

Love you!

With a fond roll of her eyes, Adora made her way to the counter to place her order. She ended up with about half a pizza worth of slices. Still, she eyed her plate as she walked toward her friends, thinking she may just have to go back for seconds. Shoulda just ordered a whole pie honestly…

She sat with a sigh and dove in, only looking up halfway through her first slice. “What?” She had asked around a mouthful of cheese.

Bow just smirked at her. “So…how are things going with Catra?”

Adora relaxed and sighed dreamily. “Amazing, ever since we started saying I love you I just…”

Bow coos at her. “So cute!”

“So nauseating.” Glimmer grumbled, a playful look in her eyes.

“Shut up!” Adora laughed, unfazed by the teasing. “Like I haven’t been listening to you moon over Bow for years.”

“Whatever.” Glimmer brushed her off, unable to hide the light pink in her cheeks. “We’re on a mission here people, and I have a game plan.”

“Yikes.” Glimmer narrowed her eyes but explained to them where they would be going in what order, and why. Adora’s eyes glazed over within two minutes.

In the end though, it wasn’t as bad as she thought. Glimmer’s plan was a good one, and they all found something within two stores. Less than two hours after lunch Adora was dropped off back at home.

Mara was off on a date, so she was able to call Catra immediately. “Are you finally fucking done?”

Adora laughed. “Yeah, I’m home.”

“Thank fuck, I’m so bored. I can’t believe we had to push back nap date for this shit.” Honestly, Adora couldn’t either. But it was for Glimmer’s birthday, so. Plus, Razz hadn’t been able to make it over that week, meaning they still had all afternoon to themselves.

“Yeah, am I coming to you or just picking you up?” Adora started digging around her room for her key.

“Ugh, pick me up. Linda is doing _jazzercise_ in the living room.”

Adora snorted, grinning triumphantly when she found her keys in her backpack. “I didn’t think people actually did that.”

“Yeah,” Catra grumbled. “well Linda does. I’m not even sure it’s technically jazzercise, it’s some video called Sweatin’ to the Oldies. She does it every Sunday, I’m just usually gone by the time she starts.” She said it pointedly, and Adora didn’t miss the message.

“Aw,” She cooed, knowing Catra would love it and hate it in equal measure. “Poor lil baby, stuck at home-“ Catra cut her off with a click, hanging up the phone. Adora just laughed and hurried down to her car.

Within fifteen minutes she and her girlfriend were making out on her bed. Fucking perfect. Adora slipped her hand under Catra’s sweater, stoking her thumb across her smooth stomach. _So soft_. Catra pulled back and Adora moved to yank her hand free.

“Sorry! Sorry, too much?”

Catra just rolled her eyes at her concern. “Like you haven’t been there before, Greyskull. Your hand is just fucking freezing.

“Oh.” Adora laughed, pulling back to rub her hands together briskly. “They don’t _feel_ cold.”

Catra just rolled her eyes and sat up. “Well, they are. Aren’t you supposed to be showing me this new dress anyway?”

Adora raised an eyebrow at her. “Oh yeah, cause _I’m_ the one who pulled us off course.”

“Yep.” Catra answered coolly.

Adora huffed around a wide smile. “You’re a brat.” She asserted, getting up to grab her garment bag. “Don’t tell Glim I showed you ahead of time.”

Catra got comfortable in the bed, leaned back against the headboard with her hands behind her head. _Needlessly sexy._ “Yeah, I don’t tell Sparkles anything.”

“Am I just showing you or…” Adora shifted, sort of raising and lowering the bag.

Catra scoffed at her. “ _No_ , I wanna see it on. C’mon, Greyskull.”

“Okay!” Honestly, Adora was excited to show her. She looked like, really good in that dress. So, she scurred into the bathroom and slipped it on. It was pretty simple, sort of similar to something she tried on for prom. It was dark red, with like…pleating Glimmer had said, and a cute little gold belt.

Adora looked in the mirror and checked herself out. Her ponytail needed redoing, so she took care of that quickly while she was there. A few finger guns shot at her reflection for good luck and Adora went back to the room.

Catra was on her phone, texting or something, when she came in. She hovered in the doorway, unsure why she was suddenly so nervous. “Ahem.” She finally tried.

Her girlfriend looked up and…the play of emotions across her face made Adora blush so hard her face burned. Catra gulped and maybe it was just Adora, but she could have sworn her breath got shallower. “Adora…”

She fingered her skirt, looking shyly through her eyelashes. “Yeah?”

Catra could only nod. A few beats passed and then gruffly she requested, “C’mere.” Adora dutifully walked toward the bed and Catra moved so her legs hung over the side, one on either side of Adora’s. “Adora, I…love you.”

She looked up and something in her eyes made Adora’s breath catch. “I love you too, Catra.”

Catra’s hands ghosted along her sides, down over her waist, her hips, to the hem of her skirt. She played with it, rubbing the fabric between her fingers and raising it slightly. Adora felt goosebumps cover her legs. “Adora, I want…”

“C-Catra?” Adora’s heart was in her throat, beating harder than it ever had.

“H-How do you feel? Do you want…?”

“I-baby, just to be clear, are you saying you wanna have sex right now?” Catra turned bright red but bit her lip and nodded. Adora’s heart rate slowed, steadying. Maybe it was Catra’s obvious nerves, or her own certainty, but she felt…calm, serene even.

“Sorry, we don’t have-“ Adora’s hands cupped her girlfriend’s cheeks.

“I know we don’t.” Catra nodded, the movement jerky. “I want that too though.”

Catra perked up, her breath hitched. “You do?”

“Yeah, Cat, I want you.” Catra grinned like Adora had just given her the world. She pulled her into a kiss and that was the beginning of one of the most amazing events of Adora’s young life. It was a little awkward, clumsy even, but it was also sweet and earnest and _perfect._ Everything was perfect.

…{-}…

“Hey Adora…” Glimmer starts over lunch one day. Her tone immediately sets Adora on edge.

“What’s up, Glim?” Her eyes cut to Bow for a second and Adora looks at him too. He looks…oddly stoic. “Glimmer?”

“Listen, I wanna ask you something but I feel a little weird.” Adora gestures, indicating she go on. Glimmer huffs. “Okay, well you’ve been doing a lot better the last couple weeks and I don’t wanna do anything to jeopardize that…”

“Okay…thanks, I guess.” Adora blushes and looks down at her salad, pushing it around with her fork.

She’s not sure she would say she’s been _feeling_ better, but she has been holding it together a little more since autumn break. She’s out of bed before eleven most days at least, and she’s stopped missing so much class. Finally allowing herself to be pissed, along with the hurting, had honestly helped a little.

“Well, my birthday’s next week....”

“Oh.” Adora sees where this is going. “So, is she coming?”

“I haven’t checked in yet!” Glimmer reaches across the table and holds Adora’s hand. “Listen, I love Catra like a sister, granted a sister whose hair I’d like to pull out sometimes…”

“Glimmer.” Bow warns. “Maybe not helpful right now.”

“Right, sorry! I’m just saying, I love Catra but _you’re_ my best friend. If you’re not ready that’s totally okay.”

Adora’s already shaking her head by the time Glimmer finishes. “No, she should come. Remind me what we’re doing?”

“Are you _sure_? Cause it’s really okay-“

“Glimmer, it’s fine. It’s not like she treated me horribly or cheated on me or something. She just doesn’t…it’s fine. We have a lot of friend’s in common and I’m not gonna ask people to pick sides. We’ll have to see each other eventually, might as well rip the Band-Aid off now.” Adora squeezes Glimmers hand once, before going back to picking at her salad.

“Okay, well we’re going up to that cabin, remember? Snowball fights and then hot boozy drinks and games in front of the fire. Some folks might crash on the couches, just depends on who drinks. But I think Merms is gonna DD for the high school friends and Juliet is gonna DD for the few friends I invited from the Art Institute. Might end up being just the three of us staying over.”

Adora nods with a grimace. “Okay.” She can do this, it shouldn’t be too hard to keep her distance, right? She has totally and completely, one hundred percent, got this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So _listen_. I'll be honest, I've hurt my own feelings more than once writing this story. So like, I get it.  
> It's a whole ass mood.   
> I p sure this is as angsty as I've ever gotten and honestly? I'd do it again. Lets talk about/unpack some _feelings_ y'all.
> 
> Thanks to everyone reading even through the moody bits!!


	5. Adora Feels a Flutter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Some (technically underage, but they're all over 18 now) drinking in this chapter. Also, low key references to psychedelics. No one's tripping at Glimmer's birthday but an experience is talked about pretty vaguely!

“This is a terrible idea!” Catra protests even as she climbs into Mermista’s car. Perfuma and Scorpia, already home for winter break, are in the back. Scorpia had gotten out the instant Catra was out of the dorm to give her a back breaking hug, of course. She hurried her back into the car at Catra’s insistence, but now she’s dragging her own feet.

“D’riluth!” Mermista scolds. “You already told Glimmer you’d go and if you don’t Grey’s just gonna feel like crap because she’ll think it’s _her_ fault you chickened out. Get in the fucking car and stop letting the cold air in.”

“Yeah, come on, Wildcat!” Scorpia cheers from the back. “It’s gonna be fine! Fuma and I will be your buffers, right babe?”

“Sure thing, honey. Catra, really, if Adora said she’s comfortable you should come. Unless…Catra, are _you_ uncomfortable around Adora?”

“ _No!_ ” Absolutely, yes. _Do I even have the right to be though? After all,_ I’m _the one who…_ Catra gets in the car with a grumble but no further argument.

Scorpia cheers as she climbs in. “I’m so excited to see everybody! The gang’s all back together again, boy howdy! Too bad Entrapta’s and Seahawk’s breaks haven’t started. Wildcat, you’re done, right?”

Catra scoffs. “No, Scorp. Yours is just freakishly long. I still have a week of class and then finals week. Of fucking course Princess Brightmoon had to have this party _now_.” Apparently, Glimmer celebrating on her actual birthday is a whole _thing_. Adora explained it last year, but Catra’s not super keen on thinking about that right now.

“We _are_ pretty lucky!” Scorpia agrees jovially.

“How _is_ school going anyway? Sick of the desert yet?” Mermista asks as she merges onto the freeway.

Catra mostly tunes out as Perfuma starts going on and on about her newfound love for cacti. She suspects it has something to do with Perfuma’s recent psychedelic experience more than anything, but she doesn’t comment. Instead Catra just stares out the window and frets.

She hasn’t had to face Adora since she realized what a horrible mistake she made. It was hard enough when she thought she was doing the best thing for both of them but….

Well, at least she did the right thing for Adora in the end. Clearly Catra isn’t cut out to be with someone like her. Her therapist has suggested those thoughts aren’t serving anyone but…what if it’s true? It probably _is_ true.

All the stewing makes the drive go by in no time and, long before Catra is ready, they arrive at the cabin. Glimmer is so fucking extra. She rented an entire fucking cabin for a _snowball_ fight.

 _At least_ only the “Best Friend Squad” is staying over and Catra gets to go home at the end of the day. …Or, back to her dorm anyway. Never mind the fact that Catra _was_ on the spend over guestlist, back when Glimmer started planning this four months ago. That’s not something she needs to think about now. Or ever.

They grab their bags with dry clothes and gifts for the birthday girl. Then they’re tromping up to the house. A voice calls that the door is open when Perfuma knocks so they let themselves in. It’s bougie as hell; sleek, modern design with a large sitting area and a big fireplace. Of course, without wanting or meaning to, Catra immediately zeros in on Adora. The place has an open floorplan and she’s in the kitchen with Bow, packing away groceries. 

She’s all bundled up still, she even has _earmuffs_ on for star’s sakes. It’s far too adorable and Catra might pass out. Mermista leans in close and harshly whispers, “You’re drooling, D’riluth.”

That snaps her right out of it, and she scowls at her friend. “Fuck off.”

“Why don’t you just go say hi?” Catra scoffs at the mere idea.

“No fucking way!”

“D’riluth, you’re gonna have to face her at some point. Or were you just planning to cold shoulder the girl you’re in love with all night?”

“Would you _keep it down?_ ” She hisses, darting her eyes back to the kitchen.

“Please,” Mermista drawls. “it’s fine. Seriously though, what’s your plan?”

Catra huffs, stewing for a second. “I dunno…I-I know we’ll have to talk at some point. I just…need a little bit to acclimate to being around her again.”

“To acclimate?” She verifies doubtfully.

“Yeah Merms, I don’t fucking know how to act around her now!”

“Uhh, like a person maybe?”

“I literally hate you.” Mermista just shrugs and wanders off. Catra curses herself for pushing her away because she’s left in the entryway without a buddy.

It’s fine though, Catra knows her opinion anyway and she definitely doesn’t need to hear it again. She wants her to _talk_ to Adora. Like really talk, open up and shit. _Not gonna fucking happen, it’ll only hurt her more_. What’s she supposed to say? _‘Oh, sorry I dumped you, turns out it was for no reason because I’m still stupidly in love with you! Ha ha! You still love me too, or should I just sit over here and pine?’_

She glances back to the kitchen when she hears Adora break into laughter. It’s familiar and beautiful and warm. And yeah, she’s completely and utterly fucked.

Pining it is then.

-{…}-

The second the high school crew, minus Entrapta and Seahawk, walks in Adora stiffens. It’s like she can _feel_ Catra’s presence. She’s fine though, she prepared for this. She just focuses on Bow and on her task, putting away snacks for later and all their cocoa and hot toddy fixings. The kitchen is _very_ organized when she’s finally through.

Bow pulls her aside before they join the others to check in. “How ya feeling, buddy?”

“I’m fine, Bow.” She tells him impatiently; she does _not_ want to talk about this. He gives her a look. “I’m _fine_!”

“If you’re sure…” He tells her. “It’s okay if you aren’t though, Adora. You haven’t seen each other since-“

“Since she reiterated that she fell out of love with me, breaking my heart all over again. And told me that fucking _Weaver_ is partially-“

“ _O_ kay,” Bow’s tone tells her she was maybe starting to get a little _too_ worked up. She takes a deep breath. “You wanna take a walk or something?”

She shakes her head tightly. “I’m okay. I just need to focus on Glimmer’s birthday, and I’ll be okay.”

“Alright, well let me know if you need to talk.” She nods again and he claps her on the shoulder, wandering off to find his girlfriend.

As soon as the last of Glimmer’s friends arrive, she orders everyone outside, and they split into teams. Adora’s not sure why they bother. After all, it’s just gonna end in a free for all with no way to keep score. She doesn’t complain and keeps her thoughts to herself though.

She _is_ excited to see Juliet end up on her team. Adora hasn’t met the other two of Glimmer’s college friends yet, but Juliet is cool. She’s a couple years older and just really together. Or she seems to be anyway. She’s also fierce in the fight, Adora gets hit with one of her stray balls and the force behind it is incredible. Her hand immediately goes to feel the tender spot.

Of course, Juliet rushes over, clearly feeling awful. “Oh shoot!” She calls out once she’s close enough. She sets a hand on top of Adora’s on the back of her head. “I’m sorry, shit, you were so close! That must have stung like a bitch.”

Adora laughs. “A little, but it’s fine. That was a pretty incredible pitch honestly.”

Juliet laughs and ducks them behind a tree when a snowball goes whizzing past her head. It moves them out of the line of fire, and they can really only see a few of their teammates from the position. “Yeah well, I played varsity softball all through high school.”

“Oh, nice one! I’m more a basketball girl myself, but I played freshman and sophomore year.”

“Didn’t stick?”

Adora chuckles and Juliet raises a brow at her. “Nah, not my game.” Juliet nods and smiles at her.

Adora feels a flutter of…something in her gut. It’s strange, she doesn’t hate it but she’s also not sure she’s ready to feel that _something_ just yet. Still, she supposes it’s nice to know she can, with someone who isn’t… _Catra_.

Suddenly awkward, Adora clears her throat. “Well, thanks for checking on me!”

Juliet must read the change in energy and her hand drops from Adora’s head. _Damn, how long was that there?_ “Of course!” A soft smile and she leads Adora back to their friends, jumping right back in.

Adora just sort of hovers on the edge of the field. She feels super weird now and is considering going back inside early. Then she catches sight of Catra. She’s staring at her and doesn’t look away when Adora sees her. She can’t read her expression, which only serves to make Adora feel even weirder, but she certainly doesn’t look _happy_.

Adora breaks the stare first, throwing herself into the game. It’s a decent distraction, but she still notices when Scorpia and Catra head inside a few minutes later.

Finally, a couple hours later, Glimmer wears herself out and calls for everyone to join her inside. They get set up with hot toddy’s and spiked cocoas, more than ready to warm up. Drinks in hand, everyone gathers in the kitchen or in front of the fire

Adora knows getting drunk around Catra right now would be a _terrible_ idea, so she settles for a light buzz. Just enough to take the edge off. She, Perfuma and Mermista had been catching up for a while, but they just wandered off to freshen their drinks. That leaves Adora to cozy up in the corner of the couch on her own.

To her great surprise, just a couple minutes later Catra takes the seat beside her. “ _Hey_ …Adora. Um, is this okay?”

Adora scrambles to sit up properly. “No, yeah! Of course, um, please! Sit!”

Catra’s eyes are soft as she chuckles at her and it makes Adora’s heart _ache_. “So…enjoying the party?”

“Uh, yeah, you?”

Catra bobs her head. “Um, it’s good, yeah. Sparkles is clearly in her element. And it’s nice to catch up with folks...”

Adora nods her agreement. “Yeah, did Perfuma tell you about her uh…”

Catra relaxes minutely and snorts. “Her “trip”?”

Adora laughs with her. It feels comfortable, familiar. She just knows it’s gonna hurt later, when Catra is gone again. She stays where she is anyway, willing to take what she can get. Willing to try at this. “Yeah, sounded kind of cool if I’m honest.”

Catra bumps her foot with her own and the quasi-familiar contact makes her stomach swoop. She curses it. “I guess, still kind of freaks me out. Especially the drop.”

Adora grimaces, Perfuma had been…somewhat graphic about that in her retelling. “Blech, yeah. I’ve heard like shrooms and LSD aren’t as bad as mescaline though.”

Catra raises an eyebrow at her in surprise. “Hmm…doing your research there, Greyskull? You thinking about trying it?” Adora shrugs.

“Probably not, but maybe someday. Fuma said she’d trip sit if I ever wanted to.” Catra just nods slowly, eyeing her. “So, uh, how…are you?”

Catra turns away then, surveying the room. Her eyes linger on the fire beside them. “Good, yeah. Excited for the end of the quarter.”

The tension settles back between them, Adora wishes she’d said something different. “Right, same. Um, is school going-how is-um, are your classes?”

“Oh…uh…” Adora can see Catra’s eyes widen and she turns to look over Adora’s shoulder. Before she can turn to see where she’s looking Scorpia sneaks up behind her.

“Hey Wildcat!” Her voice is all forced cheer and even tipsy, Adora knows what’s happening. “There you are!” She turns to Adora. “Sorry to interrupt, but mind if I steal her for a second?”

Adora blinks back tears. “Of course not.” She turns to Catra. “Um, good to uh, see you, Catra.”

“Yeah, you too, Dora-hem, Adora.” Her voice goes from soft to overly stiff and civil in an instant. Quickly she gets up and Adora watches her follow Scorpia out into the night. _So, it’s like that then._

Just as Adora begins to settle into wallowing, Juliet plops down beside her. “Hi Adora!” It’s a welcome distraction, even if the butterflies in her gut make her feel weird.

“Oh, hey Juliet! Having a good time?”

“I am, yeah! Your high school friends are cool. Scorpia’s a total sweetheart.”

Adora laughs lightly. “Oh yeah, a big teddy bear.”

Juliet laughs along with her. “Her sister is…harder to get a read on.” She offers diplomatically. “What was her name again?”

Adora’s pulse skips. “Who, Catra?”

Juliet snaps and points to Adora. “Catra!” She laughs. “Damn, how’d I forget a name like that?”

Adora forces a laugh, desperate for a subject change. “Yeah…did you get a chance to meet her girlfriend?”

“Whose? Catra’s?”

Adora’s heart flips and she’s sure she’s turning red, not least of all because Juliet is now giving her a weird look. “Sorry, no. Scorpia’s; uh, Perfuma?”

“Oh!” She laughs. “Very briefly, yeah.”

Adora nods. “Cool, cool.”

Juliet nods back, more slowly. “They seem like a cute couple.”

“Yeah, they’ve been together a long time now.”

“Since high school, right?”

“Uh huh.” Adora’s nod is jerky and she stops abruptly.

Juliet whistles, long and low. “That’s so wild to me. I can’t imagine dating my high school girlfriend now.” Oh, this is _so_ not the direction Adora meant to take this conversation. “I mean, more power to them, I just feel like that transition rarely goes well.”

Adora is officially dying. She drains her cup and stands up. “Um, I’m gonna get a refill, you need?”

Either missing or ignoring Adora’s discomfort, Juliet stands too. “I could do with a top off. I’ll wander over with you.”

“Great!” On their way over Adora catches Bows eyes and gives him a _save me_ look. Blessedly he wanders over and inserts himself in their conversation.

None the wiser, Juliet chatters away with him, freeing Adora up to wallow internally. Suddenly she’s enjoying this party much, much less.

-{…}-

Scorpia escorts Catra outside for a breather and almost certainly a pep talk. She hurries out after her, avoiding looking anyone in the eye. It’s cold as a witch’s tit outside the cabin, worse than earlier now the sun’s set. She leans back against the wall huddling in on herself and watching her breath swirl through the air.

“So…how ya feeling, buddy?” Catra fights to not roll her eyes at the well-intentioned question.

“Fuck, how do you think, Scorp? Like I just managed to run a marathon and got run over by a semi before I could cross the finish line.”

Scorpia looks both bemused and bewildered. “Okay…”

Catra huffs. “I’m _fine_.” She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “It was just…getting a little familiar in there.”

She can hear her best friend shuffling around next to her and cracks one eye open. She’s caught looking and Scorpia blushes, rubbing at the back of her neck. “Can I ask you something?”

“I guess.” She kind of owes her one, being her out and all. Doesn’t mean she’s gonna answer, but she can at least let her ask. Even if it’s almost definitely gonna be far too invasive for Catra’s liking.

“Do you…you still love Adora, right?” Catra can feel her eyes water, it was only a matter of time really. She manages to blink them back and just nods tightly. Scorpia inhales sharply. “Catra…”

“I think I’m ready to go back in!” She stands abruptly. It gets her a concerned look from Scorpia, but she dutifully leads Catra inside with a nod that’s far too compassionate.

When they wander back in, she sees Adora laughing away with that stupid art school girl, _again_. She seriously considers having a drink. Well, less seriously considers it and more genuinely wants to want one. Instead, she finds Perfuma and asks that she smoke her out.

It helps her get through the rest of the party somewhat. At this point it seems in her best interest to avoid Adora entirely, so she sticks to the kitchen for the most part. She chats with whoever’s passing through and is never alone for long. Plus, she’s with all the snacks which is dope since she has a mega case of the munchies.

She’s still floating on her high when Mermista starts talking about leaving. It takes her like, forty minutes to actually get her shit together and honestly, by then Catra is _more_ than ready to go. And that fact makes it all the more devastating when Mermista slips on some ice on the way to the car.

She twists her ankle bad enough to make driving out of the question. With Perfuma and Scorpia several drinks in, and Catra as stoned as she could manage to get, they’re stuck for the night. So that’s…something.

The only luck on her side is that they stayed late enough everyone is ready to crash right away. Glimmer and Bow find blankets and pillows and get them set up in the living room. There’s a pull-out bed for Scorpia and Perfuma, and another couch for Mermista. Insisting she doesn’t mind, Catra curls up on a recliner chair.

Through all of the sorting of logistics Adora makes herself scarce. Catra wants to both thank her lucky stars and go into the bedroom to drag her out. She wants to beg for scraps of her attention even though it hurts. She doesn’t of course. Instead, she curls up in the chair and as soon as the lights are out, she lets herself cry.

She just wants to go _home._ Of course, if she’s honest with herself, she’s not sure where that _is_ anymore. Or what that means. Her home is in an unfamiliar bedroom, sleeping soundly without her.

Catra wakes up to a cry in the middle of the night. She looks around her, but her friends all look undisturbed. Perhaps she’s just still acutely attuned to this particular cry, and that’s why she’s the only one roused. Either way, when it sounds again she feels totally paralyzed.

 _I can’t just leave her, right?_ She slowly manages to melt her limbs and make her way to the bedroom door Adora is sleeping behind. She’s settled into soft sobs, but Catra can still hear her through the door. Her hand goes to the knob, and she freezes.

She wishes there was someone else, anyone else, awake right now. She thinks about going to wake Bow or Glimmer, but she knows Adora would be mortified if she did. Catra’s the only one…well, Catra _used_ to be the one Adora turned to for comfort in this situation.

The summer after junior year she’d finally started to open up a bit to their friends about her nightmares. They’d all been understanding and as supportive as they could be. Still, Adora had refused all other offers to call in the middle of the night if she ever needed it. It was always Catra and Catra always answered

Her right hand goes to rest on the paneling of the door. Her heart shatters and shatters and shatters, over and over until there’s nothing left but dust. When Adora has settled into sniffling, Catra’s hand on the door clenches into a fist. She softly rests her forehead against the wood. Unable to hold back, Catra lets herself cry too; sniffling alone in the hallway while the love of her life sniffles alone in the bedroom.

…{-}…

Adora hit her first milestone in August, just a few weeks before senior year of high school started. She was determined to downplay it, but Catra’s wasn’t having it. She got to Adora’s early that Sunday.

Her girlfriend opened the door, still disheveled from sleep and in her jammies. She looked _adorable_ , all rumpled like that. Her jaw dropped when she saw Catra on her doorstep. Catra fucking loved it. “Babe! What are you doing here so early?”

“Hm, just missed you, I guess.” Adora smiled impossibly wider and leaned in to kiss her.

“Okay, well I’m a mess. Wanna come up while I get dressed?”

“Aw,” Catra pouted, following her inside and up the stairs. “but I _like_ this outfit.”

Adora turned around to scoff at her, walking backward into her room. “Shut up.”

Catra hopped on her bed, setting her bag down carefully, and flopped onto her back. She covered her eyes with her arm while Adora changed. She’d been pretty fucking sleepy, being up by eight-thirty on a Sunday and all, so it was quiet in the room. When she was through, Adora came over to the bed and invited herself to straddle Catra’s hips. Catra _definitely_ wasn’t complaining.

“So, to what do I owe the honor of this early visit?”

“I have something for you.” Catra admitted, sitting up and causing Adora to slide into her lap.

Her teasing tone dropped, and she cooed gently. “ _Aw_ , what? You didn’t have to-“

“Close your eyes and put out your hands.” Adora did as she was told with a little smirk, which Catra couldn’t help but kiss.

“Is that my surprise?” She teased.

“Shut up, Greyskull. And keep your eyes shut.” Adora just laughed at her, not budging as Catra maneuvered around her to pull the surprise out of her bag.

Adora’s face scrunched when Catra set the cupcake in her palms. Her brows knit even more tightly together when Catra flicked the lighter to ignite the little candle she’d stuck in it. “Okay, open.”

The confusion didn’t clear from Adora’s face as her eyes opened. She looked up at Catra. “It’s not my birthday.”

“Wait, what? Oh, darn. Well, guess you don’t want that then. I’ll just-“ Adora smacked her grabby hands away from her treat.

“ _No!_ Just, what’s it for?”

“We’re celebrating, baby! One full week-well _eight days_ even-with no nightmares!” She grinned broadly, moving her hands to Adora’s hips to squeeze her there.

“ _Catra…_ ” She scolded around a big smile. “I told you, it’s not that big a deal.”

“Uh, yeah, and I told you you’re fucking wrong. Come on, babe! This is amazing, you’re taking such good care of yourself and I’m really proud of you. Let me give you a fucking cupcake about it, yeah?”

Adora hesitated but finally let her full smile loose, blowing the candle out. She took a big lick of the frosting, then set the cake to the side so she could wrap her arms around Catra’s neck. “You’re so good to me.”

“Please, I didn’t even make them. Garnet helped.”

Adora shrugged. “Still. I-You’re amazing.”

She leaned in to kiss her and it escalated quickly. Somehow, Catra managed to pull back. “There’s still part two. Oh! Also, the rest of that batch is in my bag.”

“ _Catra!_ What did you do now?”

“You’ll see.” She smirked. “Later.”

Adora groaned but allowed to herself to be pulled into another kiss. All through their morning she peppered Catra with questions about the pending surprise. She never relented. She even took a weird route that afternoon when they went out for the surprise date.

“The planetarium?” Adora asked as they pulled into the lot, bouncing in her seat.

“Yep.” Catra popped the sound on the P. “Figured now you’re getting some decent sleep you might be able to make it through the show. Up for the challenge, Greyskull?”

Adora laughed giddily. “You’re the best girlfriend ever!”

“Well, that’s definitely true. Glad you see it.” Another laugh and Adora kissed her cheek. Then she was out of the car and waiting impatiently for Catra to join her.

She did so quickly, and they held hands as they made their way inside. It was even better than their first date; there was no hesitation to their cuddling and no guilt at the end.

As they drove home to meet Razz, Catra glanced over at her girlfriend who was fussing with music on her phone. She wished it could always be like this. Part of her even believed that it would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii!! So, potentially good news; this is the chapter I hurt my feeling with the worst. (The Catra in front of the bedroom door scene, just...whew! Boy howdy that did me, personally, in.) We're not deep diving into fluff just yet, but I hope that offers you a light at the end of the tunnel!
> 
> Vaguely, adjacently related; I started a fluffy lil one shot that I'll probably put out soonish. Needed an angst break and I'm still a few chapters ahead here, so. If you too could use an angst break, keep your peepers open for that!
> 
> Thanks once more to everyone reading and to folks sharing your thoughts!!


	6. Adora Wants to be Friends

Catra’s never been much for the holidays. She barely even remembers her first few, with her mom. After that, well…. Weaver is _also_ not big on the holidays. It _is_ nice to have a break from school. And Octavia. _Blech. What a blowhard._ She’s not the worst roommate in the world, but she is a crank. And her patience was _gone_ within days of Catra’s breakup. So yeah, good to have her own room again for a couple weeks.

Of course, she’s not dwelling on the fact that Mara had casually offered that she stay with them over break. She would never. And she absolutely does _not_ cry over not getting to sleep beside Adora each night. That would be borderline pathetic. If she did that. Which she doesn’t.

Bless Scorpia though, she’s really trying to get Catra in the holiday spirit. Or out of bed before noon every day at the very least. “Hey Wildcat?” She pokes her head into Catra’s room one morning, a week into break.

“What’s up, Scorp?” She rolls over on her bed, closing her book.

“Perfuma, Mermista and I are going ice skating in a couple hours. Wanna join us?”

Catra sighs, she still has negative Winter Solstice Cheer at this point. _But_ , on the other hand, does she really want to lie in bed all day feeling sorry for herself? Okay, maybe a little, but she knows it’s not healthy. “Okay, yeah. Thanks, Scorp.”

“Oh, yay! Okay, Mermista is gonna pick Perfuma up so we can just meet them at the rink. It’s gonna be so cute! We’re going to that place downtown; you know the one. The set it up every year for Winter Solstice! There’s hot chocolate and-and,” By now Catra is sat up in bed, massaging her temples. Scorpia doesn’t notice. “oh! Kettle corn, they have _the best_ kettle corn. Want me to buy you a bag, Wildcat?”

“Uh, sounds good, Scorpia. I appreciate it. You mind just like…fucking off for a little bit?” Scorpia sobers a bit, still smiling widely.

“Right! Yeah, of course. Let me know if you need anything, okay? Okay, bye!”

Catra calls out just as the door closes. “Hey Scorp!”

The door whips open again. “What’s up?”

“You invite Trap?”

Scorpia brightens at the suggestion. “You’re a genius! I’ll text her now!” Without another word she pulls the door shut, scampering off to text their friend.

Somehow Catra gathers up the spoons to get dressed and socialize. She’s glad she did too, she’s fucking _missed_ Entrapta. They text a lot-well, Catra texts and Entrapta sends long, rambling voice memos. Still, it’s not the same. So, she’s pumped when, on the drive over, Scorpia lets her know Entrapta had confirmed she was available.

Catra goes to seek her out the moment they arrive. She finds her in line for hot cocoa, inquiring as to whether or not they have tinier cups. “Same old Entrapta.” Catra comments with a wide, lazy grin.

“Oh! Catra! What was that?” Entrapta turns from the employee helping her to look at Catra with wide, curious eyes.

She smiles and shakes her head. “Nothing.” She turns to the person manning the stand. “Hey, mind if we get one of your smallest size and four mediums?”

The person nods, looking a touch relieved. They take Catra’s cash and turn to gather the order. “That was very nice of you.” Entrapta comments.

“No big. How’ve you been, Trap? I missed you.” She thanks the person with a small smile and takes the drink carrier, passing Entrapta her kid’s cup.

“Oh, good! My school has the most _amazing_ tech. They’re combining ancient techniques with brand new technology….” Entrapta continues rambling as they track down their friends. Catra’s heard a lot of it before and she doesn’t understand it any better than she did the first time.

Still, she listens intently, trying her best to follow along even as unfamiliar terms fly right over her head. Finally, they find their friends loitering around a table. “There you two are!” Scorpia calls out, waving wildly as if they haven’t already seen and acknowledged her.

Greetings go all around the table and while Entrapta starts anew with her fresh audience, Catra scans the area. “Looking for someone?” She jumps when Mermista sidles up, nearly silent in her approach.

Her heart jumps too, at the accusation. “ _No_. Who would I even be looking for?”

Okay, the ice rink is a popular spot, especially for students out of school for the winter holidays. So, sure, possibly Catra wondered if she _might_ , maybe run into Adora here. Just passively! So sue her.

“Uh huh.” Mermista drawls, clearly unconvinced.

“Shut up!”

“You have any plans to see Grey over break?”

Catra huffs. “Anyone ever tell you that you’re kind of an asshole?”

“Hm, no. No one would ever dare.” Catra snorts, but she doesn’t correct her.

“Whatever, no, if you must know. We haven’t talked since the party.”

Mermista rolls her eyes. “Ugh, you mean your painful second attempt at small talk over breakfast?”

Catra turns red and glances back to make sure the other three are paying them no mind. Entrapta is still rambling and Perfuma and Scorpia’s eyes have officially glazed over. _Thank fuck._ “Fuck off, will you?”

“Seriously, you didn’t reach out once?”

“ _Should I_ even? I mean, I dumped her. I feel like I should let her come to me.”

“Okay, yeah, I get that. But also, you have new information that I think she’d probably be pretty damn interested in.”

Catra sets her jaw. “And what information is that exactly?”

“Uh, the fact that you’re still in love with her? You desperately want her back…. This ringing any bells?”

“I’m not fucking telling her that, Merms!”

“ _Why not?_ ” Mermista snaps, an uncharacteristic display of impatience.

Catra takes a deep breath and turns to face her fully. “You’re over the line, Mermista.”

She has the decency to look chagrinned at least. “You’re right. Sorry, D’riluth.”

“It’s okay.” Catra nods, her right arm crossing to hold her left in a self-soothing posture. “Look, I know you’ve been somewhere in the middle, both by your own insertion and my processing with you. It’s still my call though and I don’t feel right dropping that bomb on her. It doesn’t feel fair.”

Mermista huffs. “Okay, but can I say like, one thing?”

Catra rolls her eyes but allows it. “Whatever.”

“Hey guys.” Scorpia interrupts. “We’re gonna grab skates, you ready?”

“Go on ahead.” Catra tells her.

“Yeah, D’riluth and I will catch up.” Scorpia gives them a thumbs up and turns to follow the other two. Mermista turns back to Catra. “Okay, if the roles were reversed; she dumped you, but you had another shot, wouldn’t you want to know?”

Catra grumbles. She hates this kind of logic. “Fine, maybe.” Mermista just raises an eyebrow and stares her down. “I-what if she’s not in love with me…any...more?” She starts loud but by the end she’s barely mumbling her words.

Mermista stares at her. “Are you fucking with me?” Catra scowls. “Okay, well for one, she literally told you she is.”

“A _month_ _ago_ , Mermista. And I’m pretty sure after you get dumped, most people sort of make an active effort to move on.” She thinks about Adora laughing on the couch with that artsy lesbian at Glimmer’s party.

This only earns her an eyeroll. “Okay, well three weeks ago she was fucking pining harder than junior year, so. I doubt _Adora Greyskull_ really moves on that fast.”

And okay, if she’s honest? Catra kind of doubts it too. Unfortunately, the thought makes her feel no less terrified of the possibility. “I’m…scared, Merms.”

“Of what?” She asks plainly.

Catra blinks as her eyes water and turns away to watch their friends who have made it out onto the ice. “O-of hurting her more. Of hav-having to hear from-“ She sniffs loudly, making her blush fiercely. “from Adora what I t-told her. _Fuck!_ I’m such a fucking dirtbag! She shouldn’t want anything to do with me, Merms.”

Mermista hums, looking at her more softly than she deserves. “I think it’s about time you let Adora decide for herself what she wants and needs, don’t you?”

…{-}…

“Okay, are your eyes closed?”

Catra laughed, pretending to pry at her fingers. “Would it matter if they weren’t?”

“Shut up, D’riluth. You’re fucking sneaky and I don’t trust you.” If Catra’s eyes _were_ open, Adora was sure she’d have been rolling them. She propelled them forward, into her bedroom.

“I promise not to peek, okay Dora?” It’s the ‘Dora’ that secured her trust; Adora dropped her hands.

“Okay, just stand there one second.” Adora went around her room, plugging in twinkle lights. She’d spent like, fifty billion dollars on lights and decorations. Totally worth it, her room looked like a fucking winter wonderland.

When winter break of their senior year started, Catra said she didn’t “do” Winter Solstice, claimed to not “get it”. Which, okay, Adora couldn’t imagine she’d ever had a good one. Or at least, not for a _very_ long time. But it was their first holiday season together, of many she hoped, and Catra agreed to go along with Adora’s shenanigans.

So, she went out the next day, determined to share all her favorite holiday things in one go. She figured their standing nap date the weekend before Winter Solstice was the perfect opportunity. It gave her a week to prepare and she was fucking ready when the day finally came.

The decorations, of course, were a must. In addition to lights there were tinsel garlands and fake snow everywhere. Not to mention the scads of paper snowflakes Adora had made, a mix of 2D and 3D. It took her all of the previous weekend to make the snowflakes, and all of the day prior to set the room up. She wanted it to be _perfect_.

_Of course_ , she also had sugar cookies decorated like snowflakes, caramel corn, eggnog, all the classics! Also weed cause like, the munchies could only help with the mountain of snacks Adora set them up with. It was…way too much fucking food. She got like, _really_ excited at the grocery store.

_Plus_ , she had all her favorite holiday movies on deck. Of course, if all went well, they’d be making out and…y’know _,_ _stuff_ , all through the movie. Still, they were ready for then or later. And she had some _good ones_ picked out.

Once all the lights were on, she moved back to Catra. “Okay, open!”

Eyes opened, Catra looked nothing short of stunned. “Adora?”

“Yeah, babe?”

“You’re fucking ridiculous.” Her eyes darted around the room, taking in all the little details Adora had included.

“I know!” Catra turned to look at her then, shaking her head with a soft, fond smile.

“You’re an idiot too.”

Adora just rolled her eyes. “Love you too, babe. Okay, enough flirting, c’mere!”

She took Catra through everything and she stared at Adora’s face all through it. There was a distinctly gooey look in her eyes that Adora totally teased her for. When Adora offered her a glass of eggnog, she’d looked at it dubiously. “Yeah, I’m gonna need some of that weed if you want me to put that in my mouth.”

Adora laughed. “Okay, whatever you want!” She cracked her window so they could blow the smoke out. Then they passed Adora’s little pipe back and forth until they were sufficiently stoned. All the while Catra had just let her gaze drift around the room.

After Adora closed the window behind them, they settled in on the bed, snuggling in cozily. “This is…you’re so fucking extra, Adora Greyskull.”

“Aw, come on! It’s your first _good_ Winter Solstice. We have to make it amazing!” Catra snuggled in tighter. “Oh! Also, I didn’t decorate all the cookies. I made snow people and little trees too, so we can decorate those later if you want!”

“I love you.” She whispered into Adora’s neck. She squeezed Catra tighter to her chest and kissed the top of her head.

“I love you back.” A content little hum was Catra’s only reply. “So…can I give you your present now?” Catra pulled back with a laugh to look at her face.

“What the hell do you call this?” Catra gestured around the room and Adora raised an eyebrow at her.

“Uh, not a present.”

“ _Adora!_ ” Catra scolded.

“ _Catra._ ” Adora mocked back. “I’m not even doing this with you right now. Wait here and I’m-“

“Wait, hang on, no!” Adora opened her mouth to protest but Catra cut her off. “It’s a Winter Solstice gift, right?”

“Uh…yes?” Adora answered, looking for the trick.

“Well, it’s not Winter Solstice, babe.” _There it is_.

“Close enough!” Adora whined.

Catra smirked at her, unrelenting. “Sorry, shoulda told me you wanted to exchange gifts today. We do it at the same time or not at all.”

“No fair!” Catra smirked harder somehow and leaned in to kiss her pouty lips.

“I think you’ll learn to live with the disappointment, Greyskull.” And as long as she didn’t have to live without _Catra_ , she figured that just might be true. After all, how could she be _too_ terribly disappointed with the best girl in the world by her side for the holidays?

…{-}…

“I really don’t know…” Adora says for the nth time. Mara just sighs heavily.

“Kid, I can’t tell you what to do here. Do you wanna see her?”

Adora rolls her eyes. “So bad it hurts.”

“Then just _text_ her. She told you she wanted to be friends still, right?”

Adora bites her lip and nods. She stares at her phone as if it might bite her. “Yeah…that’s true.”

“Alright, well, friends text each other when they want to hang out.” Adora takes a deep breath, exhaling hard through her nose.

“Okay, yeah. Yeah, you’re right.” She looks up at her sister who is smiling encouragingly at her. “Uh…can I be alone?”

Mara laughs. “I beg your pardon?”

Adora blushes. “Well, I can’t do it if you’re watching me!”

Her sister scoffs but moves to go. Not without muttering, “ _Teenagers._ ” plenty loud enough for Adora to hear first. She sticks her tongue out at her back.

It takes a few drafts…a few _thousand_ drafts even, but eventually she manages to hit send.

**Adora**

Hey Catra! No pressure but if you have some time over break I thought we could get coffee? I have something small for you. If it’s too soon, or you’re not comfortable that’s cool too! Just let me know!! :)

She practically throws her phone across the room after it sends. Then, she busies herself with cleaning dishes, so she doesn’t watch her phone like the pot that never boils. Of course, she nearly breaks a plate when it chimes.

Naturally, it’s only Glimmer confirming their plans for the evening. She finishes the dishes then goes to her room. She’s at a loss for what to do. She sits at her desk and fusses with old papers and debris scattered across it. She organizes her desk drawers. It’s hell.

Finally, after about an hour, Catra texts back.

**Catra**

Hey Adora :)

Yeah, I’d love to see you.

When’s good?

She screams into her pillow for a solid minute before replying.

**Adora**

Whenever!

**Catra**

Tomorrow?

Is that too soon?

**Adora**

Tomorrow is good!

Is ten okay?

**Catra**

Sure!

**Adora**

Awesome!!

**Catra**

Where should I meet you?

Adora bites her lip and thinks. She probably should have thought about this earlier, but she definitely did not.

**Adora**

That café by the high school?

Mystacor Coffee I think!

**Catra**

Cool, see you then!

Is she laughing? Is she crying? No way to know, really. Either way, she lies in her bed, fretting about their plans until Glimmer comes to collect her that evening.

Early as ever, Adora sits outside the café five minutes before ten. She’s been there twenty minutes already. At least this time she isn’t sitting in her car, listening to her breakup anthem like some sad, pathetic, heartbroken loser. Even if she still is one. She’s on the phone with Bow instead.

“She’s gonna be there soon, right?”

“Uh, yeah, should be.”

“It’s gonna be _fine_ , Adora.”

“It’s not weird that I got her a gift, right? I mean, I already had it…before.”

“It doesn’t have to be. I’m sure she’ll appreciate the gesture.”

Adora sniffs, rubbing unconsciously at her nose. “I know, I know that. It’s just, this whole thing is gonna be…weird. We haven’t been alone together since…”

“Yeah,” He sighs. “I know. You wanna be friends eventually though, don’t you?”

Adora pouts, scanning the lot for her…ex. _Ugh_. She’s been experimenting the thought recently; it still feels wrong. But that’s what Catra _is_ , her ex and, hopefully, her friend too. Someday at least, this is probably a good first step. “I do.”

“But?” Bow prompts, picking up on her hesitation.

“ _But_ I’d rather she was my girlfriend again.”

“I-yeah, I get that. Are you sure you wanna do this today? I mean I’m sure she’d understand if-“

Adora scrambles to sit up in her seat, knocking her knee against the steering wheel. “She’s here!”

“Oh-“

“I gotta go! Love you, bye!” She hangs up and hurries out of her car before Bow can return the sentiment. “Hey, Cat-uh Catra. Hey Catra.”

Her nerves are clear on her face. “ _Hey_ Adora.”

“Um, ready to go in?” Catra nods and holds the door open for her when they get up to the café. They order and Adora’s gut shifts uncomfortably when she notes that Catra’s changed her coffee order. Adora hasn’t changed her order. Adora _likes_ what she’s always had.

The thought maybe isn’t solely about coffee.

They find a table once their drinks are out. With nothing left to do their silence suddenly becomes awkward. Adora crosses her ankle over her opposite knee and clears her throat. “Thanks. For coming out. With me.” She winces uncomfortably, but Catra just smiles at her.

“Uh…yeah, of course. Thanks for asking. I wasn’t sure where we stood on…I uh, kind of didn’t think you’d want to hang out yet.”

“Oh.” Adora responds, looking down at her drink. “I mean, I-“ She huffs, unsure of the right thing to say. “I do though.”

“I’m glad.” Adora looks up and the look in Catra’s eye…it’s all at once familiar and brand new. She hates the dawning realization that there are just going to be things she doesn’t know about Catra now. Things she’ll probably _never_ know even.

“Yeah…. Well, I have something for you.”

“Right, you said. You know you really didn’t have to.”

Adora shrugs. “I wanted to. Razz also sent me with a pie for you. It’s in the car.”

Catra blanches at that. “O-oh. Well, tell her thanks from me.”

A nod. “It’s Razzle berry.”

A genuine smile takes over Catra’s face. “Classic.” _The first I ever brought you._ Adora can’t help but add in her mind.

Instead of mortifying herself by letting that slip, Adora slides a small box across the table. Catra blinks at a second then nods. She pulls a similarly sized box out of her pocket. Maybe Adora shouldn’t be surprised, but she is.

“Oh, you didn’t have to-“

Catra shrugs. “I uh, I ordered it a while ago.”

Adora eyes her and she shifts under the stare. “Um, turns or together?” On every other occasion Adora has insisted they take turns, so she can watch Catra open her gift. Things are different now.

“Together is fine.” Horribly different.

Adora nods and opens her gift. She laughs when she sees it, unsure what exactly it is that she’s seeing. Well, it’s some sort of little ceramic bird. It’s cute, with little wildflowers painted on it, but confusing. “Uh…”

Catra blushes. “Yeah, I’m sure you don’t need it, but I thought it was funny.”

Adora nods and looks down again. “Sorry, what…?”

“Oh!” She sits up a little more in her seat. “Right, it’s a pie bird? It’s supposed to keep filling from spilling over, I guess. And like, it whistles when the pie is done. Like I said, I know you’re a fucking expert and all so you probably don’t-“

“I love it.” Adora tells her honestly. She clutches the little thing in her hand until the little beak digs into her palm.

Catra eyes her a second then nods with a tiny, hesitant smile. She turns back to her own gift and lifts off the lid. It’s a tiny little kaleidoscope on a chain. Catra looks up, a question in her eyes, and it’s Adora’s turn to blush. “What…?”

“Ahem, it’s a kaleidoscope?” She braces herself for Catra to question it. The truth is she got it ages ago. It was supposed to be like a tiny little telescope, for all their summer nights spent with the stars.

Originally it was gonna come with a love note, but that’s hardly appropriate now. Adora also maybe, possibly wrote a little poem. It’s terrible and cheesy, but she’d figured it would make Catra laugh. It’ll never see the light of day now and that, at least, is probably for the best.

She breathes a sigh of relief when Catra just smiles and holds it up to her eye, squinting the free one. The blue one. “It’s cute. Thanks, Adora.”

“Of course!” It’s too chipper from her nerves and she hastens to cover by taking a huge gulp of coffee. “So…how was the rest of the quarter?”

Catra clears her throat and looks away to survey the room. Then she turns back, and her jaw is set. “Listen, can we not talk about Freighton?”

Adora frowns, Catra had walked away at the cabin when Adora brought up school. She’s clearly avoiding _something_ there. It makes her worry more than a little. “Yeah, sorry-“

Catra waves the apology off. “It’s fine, Greyskull. I’m just…trying to enjoy the time away is all.”

Adora’s frown stays in place but she agrees with a nod. “Um, well how’s the family? Linda, Garnet?”

Catra visibly relaxes. “They’re great. Linda took up pottery, so I think everyone’s gonna be getting mugs for solstice.”

“Cute!”

Catra chuckles. “Yeah, and Garnet’s same as ever. She’s up for a promotion but honestly I’m not sure she wants it.”

“You know why?”

Catra shrugs. “More work for not that much more pay, I think. What about you? How’s everyone?”

“Good! Same as ever, really.”

Catra frowns. “Razz ever figure out what was going on with her vision stuff?”

Adora can’t help the loud snort that escapes her and Catra looks on, bemused. “Oh, fuck, Cat! You’re not gonna believe it. She’s been wearing the wrong frames! For _months_.”

“ _What?_ ” Catra laughs so hard tears gather in her eyes. “Don’t they like, check your lenses when you go to the optometrist?”

Adora laughs again. “Yeah, but she wouldn’t go in! When she finally told Mara, it took her a month to get her to make an appointment. Of course, this was _after_ she’d been doing it for like, six weeks.”

They break down into helpless giggles at Razz’s silliness. As they sober, wiping the corners of their eyes and making eye contact, the familiarity of the moment creeps up on Adora. It’s like a monster from under the bed, gripping her ankle the second her foot slips from beneath the covers.

Now it’s her who needs the out. “Um, thanks again for meeting me.”

Catra must feel the shift in energy because she sits up and gathers her emptied gift wrap. “Thanks for asking.”

Adora nods tightly and stands. She needs to _go_. “Yep! Well, um, I will…see you. Around.”

She doesn’t dare to hope that Catra looks sad. Not that she wants Catra to be sad! It’s just…complicated. Unsure how to finish the interaction Adora offers a tiny, awkward wave and hauls ass back to her car.

She _wants_ to bang her head against the steering wheel and scream for the better part of an hour. Unfortunately, Catra’s gonna walk out of that café at any moment, so she starts her car instead. Finally, unable to take the pounding in her head a moment more, Adora pulls into an empty gas station parking lot and gives in.

She drives home forty-five minutes later, her new pie bird still clutched tightly in one hand and Razz’s pie left forgotten on her back seat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear y'all, I swear we are like _this_ close to some relief. _So close_.
> 
> Thanks for around sticking through the heartbreak!! I'll be back with an update soon!


	7. How Can Catra Not?

Adora cried when she hugged Mara goodbye at the end of break. She was excited to get back, don’t get her wrong, especially with basketball gearing up soon. Still, she misses her home, and she misses her sister. And Catra, she still misses Catra despite her best efforts to move on.

And she _has_ been trying. She’s stopped Instagram stalking her and after break she neatly packed away almost all mementos from their relationship in a box. She couldn’t bear to put Swift Wind away though; he’s become her comfort item in more ways than one these days. Everything else is under her bed though, out of sight and mostly out of mind.

It still hurts, and some part of her is still angry at Catra for giving up so easily. Though if she’s honest, what she’s _really_ angry about is the fact that Catra doesn’t want her anymore. Adora can hardly blame her for that though. She knows it wasn’t malicious, it just…happens sometimes. It’s an uphill battle, but she’s finally learning to accept that.

She still wants to try at being friends, someday, but it’s probably gonna take longer to get there than she’d like. After their awkward gift exchange, they saw no more of each other over break. Like a total coward, she’d had Scorpia help facilitate getting Razz’s pie to her ex. In fact, the only interaction they’ve had since was a brief text exchange a buzzed Adora had initiated New Year’s Eve.

**Adora**

Hsppy News Years D’riluth :)))

**Catra**

Happy New Year, Adora.

**Adora**

Rsdolition??

**Catra**

Wtf?

**Adora**

Resolution

**Catra**

Oh

Not my thing.

You?

**Adora**

I gotta

Get ober u

Right?

Needless to say, when she woke up in the morning, mortified beyond belief, there had been no reply. She spent the morning crying on Bow’s bathroom floor, head hung over the toilet. She was too ashamed to admit what she had done and eventually he and Glimmer stopped asking her what was wrong.

Sometime in the late afternoon she calmed down enough to send an apology, making a joke about how her resolution ought to be more along the lines of drinking less. Catra had been sweet about it, but she hasn’t heard from her since. _Makes sense._

So yeah, Adora’s excited to have school and sports to throw her attentions into. Maybe her texts were inappropriate…okay, they _definitely_ were, but drunk Adora was right. It’s time to get over Catra D’riluth.

…{-}…

Adora’s last ever high school basketball game fell exactly one month and one day before her and Catra’s one-year anniversary. They lost but had beaten out the Horde in the quarter finals, so Coach was happy with that at least. And Brightmoon hadn’t made it to the semis in a decade, so school spirit was at an all-time high.

The one person who _didn’t_ seem to be feeling it was Adora’s girlfriend of ten months, three weeks, and six days. She’d gotten held up by a teammate offering congratulations and asking about her plans for the following year. After politely asking about Starla’s own plans, Adora finally managed to extract herself.

Catra was watching her from the bleachers, ignoring their chattering friends, and scowling. Adora lumbered over, smirking at her. “What’s up grouchy?”

She dropped her bag by her feet and settled her hands on Catra’s hips. Catra’s arms stayed crossed over her chest. “Fuck off.”

That made Adora frown. _Oh, she’s like, actually upset about something_. “Baby, what’s wrong?”

Catra growled at her. “Why do you let her flirt with you like that? And while I’m right fucking here! Should I be worried about what’s happening in the locker room, behind closed doors?”

Adora scowled. “Hey, mean.” Catra scoffed and rolled her eyes. “I’m serious! Cat…you gotta trust me.”

Catra finally deflated. “ _Fuck_. Babe, you know that’s not…”

Adora softened and nodded down at her. “I know, but you get how it sounded, right?”

Catra glanced at their friends, most of them seemed unaware but Scorpia and Bow were clearly ignoring them pointedly. “I know.” She muttered. “Sorry.”

Adora sighed, they’d been here before, but Catra had her jealousy under control these days. Mostly anyhow. “Is something else bugging you?”

Catra opened and closed her mouth a few times. “Wanna head to the diner now?”

Adora appraised her for a second longer then agreed. They called out to their friends, who sent them off with a bit of hooting and hollering, and made it to Adora’s car. She turned it on for the heat, the spring evenings still a bit cool. “So?”

“It’s-I don’t know why I let it bug me!” She turned to Adora, crisscrossing her legs. “She’s just so… _ugh!_ ” She set a hand on Adora’s arm flirtatiously, batted her eyelashes, and raised her voice to a falsetto. “ _Oh, Adora! You’re just so handsome. My, and aren’t these muscles big?_ ”

Adora snorted, smirking, and leaned across the center console. “So, what I’m hearing is; you think I’m handsome and have big muscles.”

Catra laughed at her and crossed her arms again, almost like she was hugging herself. “Shut up.”

“You know, when you’re not being a dick about it, you’re kind of hot when you’re jealous.”

“Seriously, Greyskull? Fuck _off_.” She’d been smiling, so Adora didn’t worry too much.

She did sober slightly and asked, “Hey, you know I don’t have eyes for anyone but you, right?”

Catra looked beyond pleased but covered it with a scoff. “You’re really trying to tell me you don’t enjoy it at all when pretty girls ply you with attention?”

“Catra,” Adora started very seriously. “come on, I’ve told you I don’t. When they don’t know I’m with you it’s just awkward. When they _do_ , like I know Starla does,” She shrugged. “I just think they’re kind of rude. Like, who does that?”

Almost inaudibly, Catra mumbled, “No one’s gonna know we’re together when you’re off at Crystal Castle.” _Ah, there it is._

Adora sighed. “Catra…it’s not like girls are flinging themselves at me left and right.” Catra made a sound of protest but she barreled on. And okay, maybe a couple girls at school had crushes on her obvious enough for even Adora to notice. It was…flattering, and she hated it. Still, it’s not like they were constantly prostrating themselves at her feet in front of her girlfriend. “But even if they _were_ , my previous point still stands.”

“What point?” Catra challenged.

“It’s just _awkward_ , babe. I love _you_. And I don’t have control over other people’s actions but I’m _never_ gonna do anything with anyone else. First of all because I don’t _want_ to, and second because I would never ever hurt you like that.”

Finally looking slightly mollified, Catra sighed. “Promise?”

Adora held out her pinky and Catra took it with a laugh. “I _promise_.”

“I love you, Greyskull.”

“I love you too, baby. You ready to go get pancakes?”

Catra shook her head and Adora raised an eyebrow in silent question. “I wanna make out first.”

The pouty request made Adora laugh and she complied without protest. When they walked into the diner forty-five minutes later, all their friends had something to say about Adora’s new hickey. They simply laughed the teasing off.

Later, when she dropped her off, she teased Catra about it. “Marking your territory or something, babe?”

Catra shrugged with a wide smirk and leaned in to kiss the spot softly. Then she got out of the car and Adora watched her until the D’ream’s front door closed behind her.

Maybe Catra had concerns about the next year, but Adora had complete and utter faith in their love. They were gonna be totally fine, she just knew it.

…{-}…

Transitioning back to life on campus is… _Blech_. Catra’s thinking about dropping out again. Or maybe _still_ is a more accurate way to phrase things. Break had really put things in jarring perspective. It was so _nice_ to live with people who don’t seem to hate her guts again. And classes, well…Catra’s not faring much better there this quarter.

When Adora had texted her on New Year’s and asked about her resolutions, Catra had lied. In fact, hers and Adora’s resolutions were pretty much exactly the same. Of course, that didn’t mean Catra’s heart hadn’t totally broken anew when the love of her life said her biggest goal for the year was to get over her. That stung like a bitch.

But _also_ , Catra is determined to give Freighton a real shot. In the meantime…she figures it can’t hurt to explore her options. Despite what she told Adora all those weeks ago, she does _not_ want to end up back at the shake shack. But there _must_ be another way. If things don’t improve soon Catra’s not sure she’ll survive here much longer.

After her first full week of classes, she’s relieved to have the room to herself for her call with Scorpia. A weight lifts from her chest when her face appears on the screen.

“Wildcat! Hey! How was your week? How are your new classes? I miss you!”

Catra laughs, feeling lighter than she had since Bow dropped her back in front of the dorms. “Miss you too, Scorp. How’s the desert?”

“Uh oh.” She frowns and Catra groans internally. She knew she probably wouldn’t get away with the deflection, but it was worth a shot. “What’s up, little buddy?”

Catra growls in spite of herself. “Sorry, I just-same as ever, you know?”

Scorpia hums consolingly. “I’m so sorry. What can I do for you? _Ooh,_ I know; I’ll send you a care package! Perfuma just got this amazing new tea-oh! And I can draw you a picture of all of us to hang on your wall. As you may recall, I am _quite_ the artist. Then you won’t get lonely!”

Catra can’t help but smile at her screen. “Sounds great, thanks, Scorp. So, new quarter; how are classes and shit?”

“Great! That new friend I made, I told you about her, anyway she’s in my chem class! We’re gonna be lab partners and, gosh, I think it’s gonna be just so fun. She takes excellent notes.”

“Always a good quality in a lab partner.”

“Totally! Also! I think I might try out for intermural rugby. I can’t remember when the season starts but I got a flyer about tryouts.”

“I’m sure you’ll crush it.”

“Aw, shucks! Maybe, I sure hope so anyway.”

“Please,” Catra snorts. “you’ll be great. What else is new?”

Scorpia thinks about this question for far longer than is necessary considering all she says is, “Nothing really!” with a laugh. She turns around and Catra hears something off screen. “Hey Fuma! Thanks for letting her in, bud!”

Catra can see Scorpia’s roommate, whose name she can’t remember for the life of her, wave as they leave the dorm. Then Perfuma ducks into the screen. “Hey Catra! Sorry to cut in on your sister time. Babe, I’ll just hang on your bed and read till you’re done, okay?”

“’S fine, Perfuma.” Catra interrupts before Scorpia can agree. “How are you?”

“Excellent! I’m taking the best classes this quarter. Remember I was telling you about the medicinal plants class I was on the waitlist for?”

“Oh! You got it?”

Perfuma sits on Scorpia’s knee and nods, grinning. “Tuesday, a few folks dropped late.”

“That’s dope. Good so far?”

“Amazing! The professor is very knowledgeable.”

“Happy for you, dude.”

“Thanks, Cat-“ She’s cut off by her phone ringing and bites her lips when she looks at the screen. She shows it to Scorpia, and they share a look. “I can call her back.”

Catra rolls her eyes, these two aren’t slick. “Just answer your fucking phone, Perfuma.”

She hesitates but does so with a nod. She holds a finger up and walks to the other side of the room, so not too far at all. “Hey, what’s up…?” Her voice drifts away the farther she gets. Catra can hear her murmuring in the background, but nothing she’s saying.

“So…” Scorpia starts awkwardly.

“For fuck’s-it’s _fine_ , Scorp. I don’t need you to coddle me.”

Scorpia blushes and looks abashed. “Sorry, I just…I don’t wanna make you sad, Wildcat.”

“Yeah, well, I am.” She snaps back, regretting it instantly.

Lucky for her Scorpia clearly isn’t holding it against her. “Catra…”

“ _What?_ ”

“I’m…concerned.”

Catra rolls her eyes, looking above her computer, out the window. It’s all gross and grey out. She still doesn’t look back at Scorpia. “Why?”

“I just…you’re still so hung up on her. I know it’s only been a few months but-“

“But what? The perfect girl loved me so much, was willing to do anything to make our relationship work, and I threw it away. Like an asshole.”

“Okay, well first of all; Adora isn’t perfect. Second, don’t call my friend Catra an asshole!” She’s frowning at her screen and Catra squirms uncomfortably.

“But I was an asshole!”

“Catra…” She scolds disapprovingly. Catra deflates slightly at her tone.

She rubs her face briskly and looks back out her window, staring at nothing. “I don’t know how to get over her, Scorp.” Looking back, she asks, “What do I do?”

Scorpia sighs. “I don’t think you’re gonna like what I have to say.”

“Try me.” Catra challenges.

“Talk to her, Wildcat. Just…be honest. Even if it’s not what you want to hear, at least both of you will know. I think it’d make it easier to move on.”

“Fine, you were right; I didn’t like that.”

Scorpia laughs sharply. “Yeah, well I know you pretty well, buddy.”

“I-Merms thinks I should talk to her too.”

“Mhmm…” She already knows this.

“I feel sick at even the idea of telling her I wasn’t in love with her and then…what? Just trying to take it back?”

“Well…I don’t think it’s about taking it back, not really. I mean, you did _a lot_ of processing in your time apart, right? You felt one way then, and you see things differently now?”

“I guess.” Catra mutters.

“Do you think you could have done all that while still with Adora?”

Instantly defensive, Catra demands, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Scorpia shifts, expression uncomfortable. “Listen, I know you can do anything.”

“But?”

“But…maybe in the end that space _was_ good for you, you know? I know it hurt you both but sometimes space from a situation can help us see it more clearly. Plus, you had a lot going on this fall! It probably wasn’t the worst thing in the word for you to work through that without having to also worry about maintaining a relationship. And I _know_ you’ve been working hard with your therapist-”

“I barely even get to see her.” Catra protests weakly.

“Still, I see you working at it. And, well, I don’t think it was really so terrible for Adora to learn that she can live without you.”

Catra pouts, blinking back tears. “I don’t _want_ her to live without me though.”

Scorpia smiles sadly at her. “Sure, but don’t you want her to know that she _can_? For her own sake.”

It’s a hard pill to swallow but at the end of the day? Yeah, she supposes she does. Adora is amazing and strong and funny and…a whole host of other lovely things. It would kill Catra to know that Adora couldn’t see it. To know that Adora thought she _needs_ Catra to be any of those things.

“You’re right.” She admits hoarsely. “But all the space in the world can’t have been worth it if it means I _lost_ her.”

“Are you sure you did though?”

“Scorpia…”

“Tell me this; what was the biggest issue in your relationship?” Catra goes to open her mouth but is cut off. “So, help me, Wildcat, if you say it’s that you’re an asshole or something I will come up there to hug some sense into you!”

Catra laughs but blushes. Truth be told, she probably _was_ gonna say something to that effect. “I dunno what you want me to say.”

“Well,” Scorpia starts diplomatically. “what do you think the answer is?”

Catra huffs but thinks about it. It’s not like she hasn’t been over it and over it since October. Boiling it down to one thing though is proving to be a challenge. Most of the reasons she can come up with off the top of her head are self-deprecating and, she knows, not productive. “I-I guess just the communication stuff. And…I mean…” She mumbles out, “my insecurity, Weaver shit coming back up.”

Scorpia nods encouragingly. “Right, so…”

“So what? I’m gonna need you to draw me a map here, Scorp.”

Her friend laughs kindly. “Okay, Wildcat. So, your communication has historically been an issue, yes?”

“Yeah…”

“So, how exactly do you think _not_ talking is going to help either of you?”

Catra flounders in the face of this logic. “I-well-and you, you’re-“

Blessedly, Perfuma saves her. “How’s it going over here?”

“Great!” Scorpia answers for the both of them. “How’s Adora doing?”

“Oh…” Her eyes drift over to Catra, who rolls her eyes just about as hard as she can manage.

“Stars a-fucking-live, will you stop acting like I can’t even hear her name without melting down? Just answer the question.”

Perfuma raises an eyebrow at her outburst but nods slowly. “She’s…good.”

Catra gives her a look, but it’s Scorpia who answers. “Nice! Glad to hear it.”

“Yep, so what are we talking about over here?”

“Adora.”

“ _Ah.”_ Understanding dawns on her face.

“What?” Catra asks fiercely.

“Nothing at all! How are you doing with the breakup, Catra?”

“Honestly?” Perfuma nods. “Fucking terrible. I miss her like crazy.”

Her friend’s lips twist to the side and she glances at Scorpia. “Catra…”

“Yes?”

“You have to know; she misses you too.” Catra sighs and looks out her window again. It’s started drizzling.

“I-I know, but shouldn’t I let her move on in peace?”

Both of her friends shake their heads. “If you want to stay apart, sure. But if you want to try again, well, I think it’s certainly worth pursuing is all I’m saying. _But_ …”

Catra’s heart sinks like a stone at the change in her voice. “What?” She knows she sounds just a little bit frantic.

“Well, she thinks you don’t love her. She _is_ trying to move on, Catra. If you want to tell her how you feel, and I think that you should, you should do it sooner versus later. Otherwise…it will probably be worse if she finds out how you feel after she’s had enough time to move on.”

“I-“

“It broke her heart that you didn’t want to fight for her. I think she’s starting to understand and accept it, but what she’s understanding is _wrong_. And it’s wrong because you’re choosing to hold back. So, if you _do_ love her, and you _still_ choose not to fight for her…I hope she never finds out, Catra, I really do.”

“Oh.” And how the fuck is she ever supposed to live with _that_?

Catra hand ended their call shortly after Perfuma…imparted her wisdom. Octavia would be back in an hour or so, and she needed at least that long to melt down in private. She’d still been sniveling when her roommate got back, so she hurried off to shower.

She lays in bed that night, staring at the wall for hours. There’s one thing Perfuma said that just keeps cycling through her mind. This idea of _fighting_ for Adora. It’s something Adora said too, in their first conversation after the breakup.

She’s just not sure _who_ exactly she’s supposed to be fighting. Adora? Herself? The nagging part of her brain that keeps insisting Adora no longer loves her, and if she does then she’s a fool? Yeah, probably that last one now she thinks of it…. She wonders passively if that’s a battle she can ever truly win.

But…if it’s for Adora, how can she ever live with herself if she doesn’t at least _try_? And if it’s for Adora…how can she not _win_?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lil progress for both of them...in slightly opposite-ish directions.
> 
> Anyway! _Thanks_ , for sticking with it through the angst. Hope you can see the lil light at the end of the tunnel!


	8. Catra Fucking D'riluth

…{-}…

As captain of the swim team, in their senior year Mermista broke several PRs and at least two state records. Adora _swears_ she was listening to which events…butterfly maybe? That’s a swimming thing, right? It wasn’t her fault she couldn’t remember! It was… _Catra_. Even in her head Adora sighed the name dreamily.

Anyway, she was the one who poured out tequila shots the minute they got to Mermista’s party after the meet that day. Granted it was at Adora’s request, but still…. It was a pool party, of course, so even if the booze hadn’t been enough to fry Adora’s brain, the sight of her girlfriend in… _that_ certainly would have done the trick.

“You’re staring.” Catra’s smirk was lazy but otherwise she showed no signs of being inebriated. Adora’d seen her smoking with Perfuma and Mermista a little while ago though, so she was definitely stoned.

“You’re a…stare-er. At me.” The same could _not_ be said for Adora.

“Damn, Greyskull! You had like, two shots.” Catra snorted and moved off her own beach chair to sit across Adora’s lap. She had smelled so good, like sunshine. Her skin was warm from laying out while Adora had been crushing their friends at pool volleyball.

She buried her face in Catra’s neck, grounding herself in the feel of her cool cheek against Catra’s warm shoulder. She stayed there when Bow came over to chat and Catra laughing explained that Adora was drunk. She stayed there when Catra poked her and asked how she was doing, to which she murmured assurances that she was perfectly content. She stayed until the world stopped spinning.

So, naturally, when she went to her first college party, back in September, without her girlfriend by her side and the world started spinning, she replayed that memory for herself. It was grounding, but not like the real thing. She found a quiet spot in the yard, it was mostly empty due to the dropping temperatures as fall settled in. And she called.

“It’s _you!_ ” She crooned into the phone the moment the line clicked.

It took a second to get a response but then there was that _laugh. The most perfect sound in all the world._ “Are you drunk dialing me, Greyskull?”

“I’m not _drunk_.” Adora insisted, drunkenly.

“Uh huh, sure you’re not. Where’s your buddy, babe?”

“You’re my buddy!” Adora wanted nothing more in that moment than to snuggle.

“Babe,” Catra huffed at her, and Adora sat up just a little more. “I’m serious. You’re not alone, are you?”

Adora looked around her at the barren yard. “Uh…I think that girl is yakking in the bushes.”

“ _Gross_.”

“What are you doing?”

“Nuh uh, nope. Where’s your buddy, babe?”

Adora pouted. It was a simple question. “Bow had to pee.”

“Okay, and does he know where to find you?” Adora huffed, Catra was asking way too many questions.

“He said…he’d be right back.”

“Okay, Baby, will you just text him where you are?” Adora made a noise of drunken discontent “Please? For me.”

Magic words if Adora had ever heard them. She texted Bow. It had taken a few attempts, but she’d been sure it was clear enough for him to get the gist in the end. “I did it for you!”

Catra laughed, lighter again, and Adora swelled with pride. “Thanks, I guess.”

“You…are…wel-hey!”

“Hey Princess.”

“What are you doing?”

Another laugh. “I just finished video chatting with Scorp and Fuma. I was gonna take a shower and head to bed.”

“My bed?” Adora tried to suggest, she sounded a bit like a sad puppy if she was honest.

“Adora!” Catra laughed hard enough to get the little squeak going. Adora’s always loved that little squeak.

“I miss you, why aren’t you here?” Adora kicked a stray pebble with her shoe, quickly loosing track of it in her haze.

“Do I really need to answer that?”

“No.” Adora had admitted, sullen.

“Hey, so I was thinking.” That perked her right back up.

“I love it when you-I love you! When you’re doing that. Thinking. Stuff.”

A distorted snort made its way down the line. “Thanks, Babe. So, I thought when you come my way next weekend; laser tag.”

Adora laughed so hard she nearly fell over. “Are you…’re you tryna get…”

“To get…?”

“I’m gonna beat you.” Adora explained to her plainly. It was just a fact after all.

“Shut up! I’m fucking wily. ‘Sides apparently all I have to do is get a couple drinks in you and you’ll be no competition at all. Maybe we’ll get cocktails first.” Adora scoffed at that. “What did you have, like one beer?”

“I’m not that-I’m no light-light weight!”

“Well, that’s just not true.”

“I’m gonna laser you so hard!”

Catra’s voice had pitched low for her response. Adora felt her reaction low in her gut. “Sounds dirty, tell me more.”

“ _Catra…_ ” She whined back, biting her lip. She looked around to verify she still had no audience.

“Yeah baby?”

“I _want_ you.”

“Want me to what, Adora?” Even drunk Adora can tell Catra is faking the innocence in her tone.

Adora was plenty drunk enough to mess with her right back. She let herself moan, just a little bit. It was beyond gratifying to hear Catra’s breath catch in response. “I…wan’ you…”

“ _Mm_?”

“To c’mere…” She heard Catra clear her throat and let it spur her on. “And…and no-none of your clothes.”

“ _Fuck_. Adora, maybe we should-” The curse had been just barely audible.

“And I wan’…you, Catra…Duh Riluth, to get in jammies and be my big spoon.” Then Adora cackled at Catra’s indignant huff.

“You’re a dick.”

“ _No_. You’re-you have a dick.”

A satisfying groan from the other end of the line. “Well, we both know that’s not true. Pretty sure that’s in _your_ closet.”

Adora laughed and felt herself turn redder than the alcohol had already made her. “I…I love you.”

“Love you too, Greyskull.”

“No-no matter what?”

“Course.”

“Promise?”

“Yeah, Adora, I promise.”

…{-}…

“I don’t wanna go.” Adora pouts from her bed.

“Well tough. You need to get out, Adora!”

“I _just_ went out!”

Glimmer props a hand on her hip and turns away from the mirror she’s doing her makeup in. “Oh really? When was this?”

“New Year’s!”

“Okay, no.” She turns back around and Adora huffs.

“How does that not count? That was a party. Bow, back me up here!”

He pauses the application of his eyeliner to put his hands up and shake his head. “Oh no, I am so not getting in the middle of this.”

“Adora! That was three weeks ago, and it was like, six of us getting trashed in Bow’s basement! His dads were upstairs. This is not the same. Come _on_ , you haven’t been to a party, a real party, since the breakup! Doesn’t _some_ part of you want to cut loose? Maybe flirt with a cute girl…”

That shuts Adora right the fuck down. “No.”

Glimmer sighs and turns around again. Only one of her eyes is made up, which makes her really hard to take seriously. “Adora…it’s been months now.”

“Yeah, Glimmer. _Three_ , it’s only been three months.”

Glimmer opens her mouth to say something but Bow finally steps in. “Okay, Glimmy, neither of us has ever gone through a breakup. Maybe let’s not judge our friend on how long she needs to process and heal?”

That manages to reel her in. “You’re right. I’m sorry, Adora. I just…I want you to be happy.”

“Yeah, well. Some random girl isn’t going to make me happy. I’ll go to the stupid party but I’m not doing this as some, weird, getting over Catra thing.”

“Okay…are you though? Getting over her?”

Adora sighs and actually considers the question. “Yes and no. I’m still in love with her Glimmer, and I don’t know how to just let that go. But…I think I’ve finally accepted that it’s over and this is my life now. I dunno, it ebbs and flows.”

Glimmer reaches over to squeeze her hand then goes back to her face. “Okay, I respect that. Sorry again for pushing.”

“I know it comes from a good place, but I appreciate that.” Glimmer smiles at her through the mirror and it’s enough to get her out of her bed. She changes out of her sweats but leaves her same tee shirt on. It’s just gonna smell like smoke and stale beer at the end of the night anyhow.

A few hours later and, okay, Glimmer was totally right; Adora’s having fucking _fun_. She’s sweating it out on the dancefloor and feels freer than she has in _weeks_. Shots will do that, she supposes. A few randos try to dance with her, but she sticks with Glimmer and Bow for the most part. She was serious when she said she wasn’t looking to rebound.

After another hour or so of dancing her friends pull her off the floor. She’s too drunk to put up much of a fight, but she does what she can. Of course, once they have her outside all the fight drains out of her. The fresh air feels _good_ on her sweaty skin.

“Do…do we _have ta_ go?” She pouts, even as they start making their way home. “We jus _got_ here!”

Bow and Glimmer cackle at her. “Dor!” Bow laughs. “It-it’s one _thirty_.” In a stage whisper he adds. “ _In the morning!”_

Somehow this is the funniest thing Adora has _ever_ heard and she cackles. “You’re my best friend, Bow!” She cheers, throwing an arm around his shoulders. She looks around for Glimmer and hooks her too. “Ya-you too, Glimmy!”

Glimmer laughs. “Love you, Adora.”

Adora hums, feeling more content than she has in ages. “I wanna call Catra, I love her too.”

“Adora…” Bow starts, significantly less enthused. It bums her out. “I don’t…I don’t think so.”

Glimmer nods solemnly. “Bad idea, drunkie.”

Adora pouts. “Yeah… _okay_.” Brightening just a bit she slurs out, “You guys…you look out for me! You’re _good_ friends, and-and you’re _good people_!”

They chuckle and Adora continues, unfazed by their laughter. It’s another ten minutes back to the dorms and Adora sings their praises the entire way.

-{…}-

Friday night Catra falls asleep in her bed watching reruns of an old cartoon on her laptop. She jerks awake at two in the morning, nearly dropping her computer in the process. It takes her a second to register the reason why. Actually, what it takes is Octavia groaning, “Bitch, turn your fucking phone off before I throw it out the window.”

She scrambles to silence the ringer and hops out of bed when she sees who’s calling. She lets herself out into the hall as she picks up. “Adora?” She asks sleepily. “Baby, you okay?”

“ _Aww_ ,” Adora coos down the line. “you called me _baby_! I think you _like_ me.” Catra winces, she hadn’t meant to say that. She rubs sleep from her eyes and slides down the wall next to her door.

She tries again, teasing a little but pulling back on the tenderness. “Sorry, I-Greyskull, are you _drunk dialing_ me right now?”

“ _No…_ ” She sing songs.

“Uh huh, you’re not alone, are you?”

“Hm…kind of. What are you doing?”

Catra’s sleepy pulse spikes. “Nope, sorry. Gonna need you to clarify ‘kind of’.”

“Kind of what?” Catra laughs and Adora joins her. _So goofy._

She hesitates but, knowing that’ll get Adora’s attention, tries, “ _Dora_ , focus, okay? Where are you?”

“A bed!”

Catra rubs her temple, getting a little stressed now. Maybe she should contact Bow. “ _Whose_ bed, Adora?”

“Oh! My bed!” Catra sighs in relief.

“And where’s Bow?”

Adora snorts with laughter. She such a happy, cute little drunk. Catra aches with the force of _missing_ her. “Making out with Glimmy in the hall. They might go get snacks. From the vending machine. I asked for chips.”

“Hmm…cool ranch?”

“ _Aww!_ You member!”

“How could I forget?” _Stop being so fucking familiar, D’riluth!_ It’s hard though, she’s still really sleepy and Adora’s _so soft_ when she’s drunk. Catra just wants to wrap her up in a thousand blankets.

“You’re such a good girlfriend!” _Ouch._ That fucking stings. A pause and then pouty comes, “Or were.” Then there’s a small sniffle that serves to completely shatter Catra’s heart. “I don’t like this anymore.”

“Oh, sweet girl, I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

“I-“ There’s noise in the background and Adora starts talking to someone in the room. Catra assumes Bow and Glimmer are back. “No one!...I said _nobody._ ” Back on the line she stage whispers, “Hey, don’t tell Bow I’m talking to you!”

Catra can’t help but laugh, especially when she hears Bow call out, “I heard that!”

“Adora, lemme talk to Bow.”

“ _What?_ ” She whines. “No, _I_ called _you_!”

“Just real quick, okay? Then I’ll tell you goodnight.”

“Hm…” Adora considers the offer. “Will you sing to me?”

She hears Bow protest, hollering Adora’s name in the background. Catra pauses for a beat, it’s familiar and domestic and totally inappropriate but… “Anything you wanna hear, Greyskull.” She’s always been weak at Adora’s hands.

“The first one you sang me! That one time.” Catra only knows what she’s talking about from repeated requests.

“Yeah, okay. But you gotta let me talk to Bow first.”

“Fine…” She grumbles. “Bow, she wants you!” She yells it right into Catra’s ear and she pulls the phone away with a chuckle.

Then Bow’s on the line. “Catra? I’m so sorry! We left her alone for like, two seconds.”

“Hm…just long enough to make out with Glitter, eh?”

“Hey!” Catra cackles at the crack in his voice. He sounds pretty tipsy too.

“You get her chips at least?”

“I-sort of. They had the wrong flavor.” Catra snorts. “It’s not my fault!” He whines.

“I know, Bow. Chill! She’s okay though?”

“Right, yeah. Totally fine. And I’m like, supa chill! Wait! Fuck! Sorry she called you. I’ll put her in her bed. Well…she’s in there. But like, to bed. I’ll put her to her bed. Nope, that doesn’t make sense either…”

“Bow!” Catra laughs at his drunk ass. “It’s fine, I don’t- I’m not upset. I-I told her I’d tell her goodnight. You can put her back on.”

“Oh. Are we like, _sure_ that’s a good idea…?”

“No, Bow. But I promised and she’ll conk out in like, two minutes anyway. The damage is already done, just…let’s let the girl have her fun, alright?” _She deserves that at least._

“Yeah…you’re sure _you’re_ okay though?”

Catra allows herself to think about the question. The situation is weird, and it hurts in some ways to have Adora like this; sweet and soft but only because she’s drunk. Still, how can Catra resist?

“I’ll be okay.” It might be a lie, but there’s no way to know for sure until later.

“Okay…” He seems hesitant but must comply because, soon enough, Adora’s voice is back.

She’s missed Adora’s voice. So much. She misses every part of her. Not for the first time, she finds herself wondering why she didn’t fight harder for her. For _them_. It’s the biggest regret of her life.

-{…}-

“Cat! Baby! I got-I got chips!” Adora cheers, shoving a handful in her mouth. Catra laughs and Adora revels in that. “Such a pretty sound…” She muses.

“If you say so, Greyskull.”

“What are you doing?”

“Hm…just sitting outside my dorm.” Adora closes her eyes to picture it. _Catra’s so cute_.

“Wait, outside?”

“Mhmm, Octavia’s asleep.”

“Oh.” Adora considers this. “Can you just come here?”

Catra sighs but laughs quietly. Adora’s not sure what’s funny, she’s completely serious. “I think you’d be asleep by the time I made it over, Greyskull.”

Adora pouts; that’s probably true. “I _miss_ you though.”

She thinks she hears a muttered curse, but she’s quickly distracted when Catra says, “I-I miss you too.”

Adora sniffs, not quite upset but starting to feel emotional. “Sing to me?”

“Promised, didn’t I?” Adora sighs softly, snuggling up to Swift Wind as she starts. “ _You’ll fall asleep with your head on the grass…”_

Halfway through Adora interrupts to sleepily ask, “Can I…call? If…sometimes I have nightmares.”

“I know you do, baby.” Catra voice is lower and more languid than before, like she too is starting to fall asleep. “You can call me any time, m’kay?”

Adora thinks she answers, but she’s asleep in moments, so maybe not.

_Did I fucking eat_ sand _last night?_ Is Adora’s first thought upon waking. As consciousness slowly returns to her, her second thought is more along the lines of; _Shit! Fuck, no, no, no, no, no! Adora Greyskull, you fucking disaster._ She groans and the sound makes her head throb.

“Morning sleepyhead!” Glimmer calls from Bow’s bed, far too chipper.

Adora turns over to crack one eye open. Glimmer is perched on the edge of Bow’s bed, sucking on her dab pen. “I hate you.”

“Aw, that’s not what you said last night.” She gives her a salacious waggle of her brows and Adora squeezes her eyes shut again. Then she hears the door open. “Adora’s awake.” She registers Glimmer informing her boyfriend, despite her best efforts to tune her out. _Is she always so loud?_

“No, I’m not.” Adora protests weakly.

“Aw, how you feeling, buddy?” She feels her mattress compress with Bow’s weight and scoots over a touch to give him more room.

She sniffs, burying her face in her pillow. “Like an idiot.”

There’s a pause and then, “Ah, remembering last night? Or just hungover?”

“Both.” Adora groans. She turns her head and cracks her eyes open to look at her friends. “Why did you let me call her? Why did I _drink_ so much?”

“Well…” Bow hedges.

“We didn’t _let_ you do anything.” Glimmer informs her bluntly. “You were alone with your phone all of two seconds. As far as why you drank so much…is that really a question?”

“Fuck off.” Adora grumbles. And then, far more pitiful, “Was she pissed?”

Bow and Glimmer exchange a look and it makes Adora’s stomach roll with nausea and nerves. “I think she was...conflicted, but probably more amused than anything.” Bow finally tells her.

“Oh.” She’s not sure how to process that. “Cool…”

“Adora…”

“What, Bow?”

“You’re pining harder than you did junior year. I thought you were moving on, Adora.” Glimmer tells her, ever the tactful one. Adora wants to get pissed. She cries instead.

“Sh-she’s my best friend, Glimmer. We can barely get through a conversation now! How exactly am I supposed to be behaving?”

Glimmer sighs and comes over to sit by Bow. She hands Adora the dab pen which she accepts gratefully. She’s so fucking hungover; she’d like to just go to sleep until she _dies_. “I get it, Adora. We’re just worried.”

“I’m fine, I just need time.”

“Yeah, okay.”

Adora sniffles and buries her head in her pillow again. “I want her back.” She admits to the fabric.

“If she asked…would you actually take her back, or are you just missing her?” Bow asks gently.

Adora turns to look at them again. “In a heartbeat.”

“What makes you think it would end any different next time?” Glimmer challenges, a glint in her eye.

“I…I don’t know. But I’d let her break my heart a thousand times over if it meant we could at least _try_.”

“ _Adora_ …” Bow looks to Glimmer for support.

“I’m not sure that’s healthy.” She supplies.

Adora shrugs. “I mean, it’s not like I’m gonna let her walk all over me. But if she genuinely wanted to _try_ again? Yeah, one hundred percent.”

“Okay…” Glimmer looks to Bow, and he gives her a small nod. “That makes me feel a little better, I guess.”

“And we talked about the communication stuff….” Adora groans thinking back to that conversation. At the memories her head is back in her pillow. “Not that it matters. Since she doesn’t fucking _want_ me. Not-not like I want her.”

There’s some cooing from her friends and suddenly she’s snuggled between them. It’s a tight fit in her little twin bed, but they make it work by totally squashing her. It feels kind of nice if she’s honest. She savors it for a few minutes, but then she’s grumbling again.

“Okay, I really love you guys, but if I don’t get coffee and a breakfast burrito very, _very_ soon, I’m gonna turn into a monster.”

They laugh and get up. “Yeah, no one wants to see that.” Glimmer agrees. “Get ready and we’ll go over with you.”

“Thanks guys, you’re good friends.”

“Oh yeah, don’t worry; drunk Adora made sure we knew that _perfectly_ well.” Bow chortles.

Adora blushes but answers, “Well…that’s good. At least she got one thing right.” He gives her a small smile and a side hug before moving on to look for his wallet.

“Hey, guys?” Adora pauses her search for clean underwear. When they look up, she verifies, “She really didn’t seem upset?”

A look is exchanged, and Bow tells her, “No, she didn’t. She was…in oddly high spirits for being woken up at two a.m.”

Adora nods and mulls that over while she finishes getting dressed. She’s just digging her lanyard out from the crack between her bed and the wall, when a knock sounds at the door. A general confused look is shared between the three occupants of the room, and Bow shrugs.

Adora walks over and pulls it open. Standing there, with a takeout bag and four coffees, is Catra fucking D’riluth.

“Hey…Adora.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are we seeing that light yet, y'all?
> 
> Next chapter is mostly good to go and after that I think there'll be three chapters including a lil epilogue. Don't quote me on that tho; those need some heavier editing cause I threw the timeline out the window sometime after I initially drafted them. 
> 
> As always thanks for reading! Promise not to hurt your feelings too much more!


	9. Hey Adora

…{-}…

“ _Hey Adora_.” Catra cackled when her attempt at a little jump scare made her girlfriend literally _fall_ _down_.

“Fuck, D’riluth! What are you doing here?” Her hand when over her heart as she stood, and her face was flushed an amazing shade of pink.

Catra shrugged. “Mara let me in.”

Adora finally dropped her backpack and walked over to sit on her desk. Catra had taken up residence in her chair and leaned up for a kiss when she settled. “Thought you had a dentist appointment. You left after fifth, didn’t you?”

Catra shrugged. “Yeah well. My teeth are fucking perfect, so it was a short appointment. Decided to just skip rehearsal though, I’d have been late anyhow.”

“Gotcha.”

Catra’s head had tipped to the side. “It’s…okay that I invited myself over, right?”

Adora scowled. “What?”

“I mean, you said you were just studying but if you-“

“No, I mean ‘what?’ as in; What the fuck are you talking about? Fucking duh, D’riluth.”

Catra snorted and stood, positioning herself between Adora’s knees. “Hmm, so I can just show up anytime I want now?”

Adora’s eyebrows raised and she smirked down at her. Catra had rolled her eyes, flustered by the look if she was honest. She nuzzled into Adora’s neck to hide her grin. “You know I always wanna see you.”

“Better be careful with a policy like that, Greyskull.”

Adora tried to pull back, presumably to get a look at her face. Catra’s arms snaked around her waist, holding her in place instead. “Why’s that, babe?”

Catra hummed, dropping a soft, sweet kiss to Adora’s neck. “Cause if you’re not, you’ll never fucking get rid of me.”

…{-}…

_“Hey…Adora.”_

Adora stands in the doorway to her dorm room and stares at her, mouth agape. For…a really fucking long time too. Catra’s vaguely aware that Bow and Glimmer must be watching them from inside, but she doesn’t really notice them. She wonders, not for the first time, if this was a terrible idea. _It definitely fucking was, what were you_ thinking _, Catra?_

“Shit! I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have just shown up here. Fuck, I-okay. Well I figured you three’d be hung over. Um, I have breakfast burritos? And coffee! Uh, here.” She thrusts the bag and the drink carrier forward. Adora stares at them blankly.

The silence is tense, and awkward. Catra’s really not sure what to do next. She turns and sees their friend hovering, and shoots Bow a look she hopes screams, _‘Help!_ ’. He creeps around Adora and takes the proffered food wordlessly, slipping back into the room.

Catra sighs in relief at being freed of that burden. “Okay…I’m gonna go. Uh, good luck. With that hangover.” She hesitates, not totally sure why. Maybe she’s hoping one more second will be all Adora needs to snap out of it. No such luck. “Right, uh, bye then.”

A hand grabs her wrist before she can get very far. When she turns back Adora is staring at the spot where they’re connected. Catra looks down too; Adora’s grip is so tight, just this side of too hard.

“How did you get here?” Adora’s grip slackens with her words, thank the stars, but it’s the last question Catra expects.

“Oh.” Her eyes flick to Glimmer and Bow, who are digging through the takeout bag and very pointedly not looking at them. “Uh, that girl from my math class. I rode with her that one other time….” She’d paid her twenty bucks to head this way an hour earlier than she’d planned. She’ll probably have to pay for an uber back. She hadn’t really thought that far ahead.

Adora nods and Catra can practically _see_ her gears turning. Eventually, she looks up at Catra’s face. “What are you doing here, Cat?”

“I…I was hoping we could talk?” It’s not supposed to be a question.

“Talk?”

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed. I can go.”

Adora stares at her, hard. “I don’t want you to.”

Something in Catra’s chest unclenches at the admission. “Good. That’s…good.”

Adora nods and, after a delay, drags Catra inside. She addresses Bow and Glimmer first. “Can you guys like…leave?” She asks bluntly.

“Yeah, yeah of course!” Bow answers, a little frenzied. “Uh, Glimmy?”

Glimmer is staring at Catra. “I wanna talk to you in the hall first.” Catra gulps; _That doesn’t sound good…_

“Oh, uh-“

“No.” Adora answers for her, voice hard.

“Adora!”

“Glimmer, out. Now.”

“Fine.” She grumbles. Bow still has to practically drag her out, but in a moment they’re gone.

The silence stretches, long and endless. “You should eat.” Catra finally ventures.

Adora looks at her strangely, but still digs into the bag. She pulls out her coffee and then the fourth cup. “This for you?”

“Uh,” Catra clears her throat. “yeah, thanks.”

She sips at it awkwardly, glad to have something to do with her hands at least. They sit at the desk chairs in the room and Adora starts eating. Catra just watches her devour the first half. Then she sets it down and looks at her. “Thanks. For the food.”

“Yeah, of course. I figured you guys would be hungover, after, um…”

“Last night.” Adora provides with a sigh. “I’m sorry I called you like that; it wasn’t cool. Is…is that what this is about?”

She sounds resigned and Catra shakes her head. “No…but also yes.” Adora tips her head inquisitively. “I…after last night I hoped this wouldn’t be totally unwelcome-“

“It’s not.” Adora assures her and Catra offers a small, grateful smile in return.

“but I’ve been trying to get up the nerve to reach out for a few days now.”

“Oh.” Adora frowns, a small crease forms between her brows. “Why?”

“I…a lot of reasons, I guess. I talked to Mermista a couple times. She kinda ambushed me with a little heart to heart a couple months back. I think she and Bow talk.”

“About us?” Catra nods. “Weird.”

It breaks the tension enough they can share a little awkward laugh. “Yeah. And then…. Well, Perfuma said something the other day. She-“ Catra pauses for a deep breath. “I don’t really know where to start.”

“I’m not sure I can help you with that, Cat.”

“Yeah.” Catra chuckles humorlessly. “I suppose not.” She pauses again. “Adora, I’m so sorry, I’m _so_ fucking sorry. I-I-you were right, stars you were so fucking right! It-Weaver totally fucked with my head and I-I still feel so fucking pathetic that I let her get to me like that! It was like, four fucking messages and she- _I_ destroyed _everything_.”

“You’re not pathetic, Catra.” The assurance comes quiet and solemn.

“Well, thanks for saying that. I know-I’m working on knowing that for myself too. I don’t want to let setbacks like that totally wreck me. I-I totally spiraled, and all our problems just seemed like they were gonna spiral too. And I just felt…so fucking _numb_ and afraid of losing you completely.” Adora’s eyes have gone watery and guilt claws at Catra’s chest. She blinks back tears of her own.

“ _Catra_.” Adora’s voice breaks on her name and Catra’s heart follows suit.

“I-I didn’t lie to you when I told you I wasn’t sure if I…” Catra looks down to study the lid of her coffee cup, picking at the edges. “If I was in love anymore.” She steels herself with a breath and looks Adora in the eye to admit the truth. “But I was wrong.”

Her words break the damn on Adora’s tears. She cries into her hands, elbows propped on her spread knees. Catra doesn’t know what to do beyond just…watching while her own tears fall freely down her face. She so sick of crying-so sick of _both of them_ crying.

“Catra…” Adora starts, her voice watery, once her tears slow. “What are you saying?”

“I-I’m saying I’m in love with you, I’m saying I’ve _always_ been in love with you. And I’m sorry. For hurting you like that, for not fighting for us. I wish, with everything I am, that I’d been smart enough to fight for you from the start.”

“Cat…are you asking me to get back together?” She sounds almost afraid of Catra’s answer. Her heart falls and flips and flies all at once.

“I…I don’t feel like I have the right to ask you that, Greyskull.” Catra admits, feeling terribly small. “I just…felt like you deserved to know.”

Adora considers her and then, “Okay…what if I asked you?”

Catra feels her breath catch. “The-then I’d be the luckiest damn fool to have ever-“

Before Catra knows what’s happening, she’s been pulled to straddle Adora’s lap. It barely works in the desk chair, and perhaps she would be more worried about that if not for Adora’s lips; on her own, on her cheeks, on her jaw, her neck, her temples.

They’re crying and laughing and breathing one another’s names. Catra’s not sure she’s ever felt _so much_ all at once. Then Adora’s standing, carrying Catra to her bed and laying her down, right there with her all the way.

In a matter of minutes Catra’s feelings reach a crescendo and she’s certain; it can’t be possible to feel any more than _this_.

-{…}-

“I’m in love with you.” Adora whispers into Catra’s bare chest, tucked under her arm.

“I’m in love with you too.” Adora feels the assurance rumble through Catra’s chest as much as she hears it. It’s not the first time in the last hour or so it’s been said. Around about every five minutes one of them offers the phrase and the other quickly reciprocates.

In between Catra plays with her hair, and Adora draws aimless patterns across her skin. “Hey Cat?”

“Hmm?”

“Can you stay the night?”

She’s fairly certain she feels Catra nod. “I just can’t stay too late tomorrow; I didn’t bring my books or anything.”

Adora doesn’t feel bad for pouting. “Oh. What if…”

“Go on.” Catra encourages, voice still soft.

“What if I bring my books when I take you back? We could study together.” A chuckle rumbles through Catra’s chest. “Is that…am I being too clingy?”

“Nah,” she reassures her. “I think you’ve earned the right to be a little clingy for a while, Greyskull. ‘Sides, I missed you too.” Adora snuggles in closer. Then her phone pings. “Ignore it.”

Adora ignores the suggestion instead, checking the message. “It’s Bow, he wants to know how things are going.”

“Hmm, what are you gonna tell him?”

She snorts. “I dunno, maybe I’ll skip the message and just head to the roof.”

Catra wiggles to try and get a look at her face, but Adora refuses to budge. “The roof?” Catra laughs.

“Uh huh, just shout from the rooftops that we’re in love.”

“Oh, for fuck’s-I’m in love with an idiot.” Adora can’t help the tears that gather. She sniffs and Catra adjusts them with a little more force this time so she can see her face. She looks a little panicked. “Adora? Baby, what’s wrong?”

Adora smiles through her sniffling and shakes her head. “Nothing, absolutely nothing. I just…it’s been a lot, you know?”

“Yeah,” Catra nods, instantly sobered. “I know.”

Adora wipes the tears away and shoots off a reassurance to Bow then snuggles back in. After a minute or two she prompts, “Hey D’riluth?” She hums in acknowledgement. “Not to like, totally harsh the vibe but…are you gonna do anything about Weaver? Or did you?”

Catra sighs heavily. “For now, no. I haven’t heard from her in over two months. If she contacts me again though…I’ll report it.”

“Good.” Adora answers decisively. And then, just slightly more hesitant but firm, “And you’ll tell me? If it happens. When it happens.”

“Yeah, Greyskull. I learned my lesson.”

“Promise?”

A kiss on the top of her head and Catra affirms, “I promise.”

“Thank you.”

Catra snorts. “Yeah, I don’t think you owe me any sort of gratitude there, Greyskull.”

Adora props herself up on her elbows to look at her girlfriend. “Hey, I don’t want this to be a thing.”

Catra’s brows knit together. “What do you mean?”

“ _This_.” She gestures vaguely between them. “You dumped me for a little bit and, yeah, it sucked. What’s gonna suck even more though is if you spend the rest of our lives beating yourself up about it. I know we have things to work on but…I just wanna move past the last few months, _together_. Okay?”

Catra raises an eyebrow and Adora _knows_ that expression. “The rest of our lives?”

She rolls her eyes as hard as she can manage. “Shut up. You know what I mean.”

“Hm, don’t think I do, Greyskull.”

“ _Catra_ …”

“Yes, my love?” Adora groans, but like, lovingly. “Hey.”

“What’s up, Cat?”

“I’m in love with you.” Adora kisses her. Or, well, she really just presses her own smile into Catra’s. She figures it counts. She snuggles back in, fully prepared to spend the rest of her day there.

That is, until a thought occurs to her.

She snaps up to a seated position. “Catra!”

She sits up halfway also, looking thoroughly confused. Also thoroughly ravished; Adora certainly left her mark. She tries not to preen over it. “What?”

“Your birthday!”

Catra deflates. “Oh, what about it?”

“Well, first, happy _super_ late birthday.” Catra makes a discontented face, and Adora’s heart sinks. “Cat…what did you… _do_ for your birthday?”

She snorts. “What do you think I did, Greyskull? I fucking skipped class and wallowed in my room.”

“ _Catra_.” Adora’s heart breaks all over again. Truth be told, she’d done the exact same thing that day. She spent hours looking at photos from the year prior and crying over the memories. Still, she’d hoped Catra would have done _something_.

Catra huffs. “Look, it wasn’t all bad. I mean, well sort of. I had a video call with Scorpia and Perfuma though, and Bow had a cake delivered. I just…it wasn’t the same, you know?”

“Yeah,” Adora nods, solemn. “I know.” She clears her throat. “Well, I uh, I didn’t just bring it up for no reason.” Catra raises arches her brow. “I have something for you.”

“No. What? Adora, you _really_ shouldn’t have. Save it for my next birthday or something.”

Adora shakes her head. “No, I’m giving it to you now.”

Catra protests a little more but she can’t hide the grin fighting its way to the surface. Adora ignores her and gets up, throwing on a sweater but forgoing pants. She goes to her closet and digs around. Luckily, she doesn’t have to dig too far; she may or may not have pulled it out a few times over the last few months.

With it still held inside the closet, Adora leans around the door to look at Catra. “I didn’t really have time to wrap it.” Catra gives her a look. “You know what I mean! Just like, close your eyes or something.”

“Really?” Adora gives her a look right back. “Fine, fine. Toss me a sweater or something first though, will you? I’m fucking cold without my personal furnace on top of me.”

Adora snorts and does as requested, tossing over a CCU sweater that she knows Catra will swim in. She’s told her that she likes that on more than one occasion; feeling little and protected in something belonging to her big, strong girlfriend. It makes Adora’s heart swell with love and pride every time she thinks about it.

Once Catra gets settled and closes her eyes, Adora rejoins her on the bed and under the covers. Catra yelps. “Fuck, Greyskull! Your toes are like icicles.”

“Oh hush!” Unceremoniously, she drops the gift in Catra’s lap. “Okay, open.”

Catra blinks her eyes open and looks down at the gift. Then she looks up at Adora’s face. Then she looks down again, then up. When she looks down the final time, she bursts into tears.

“Um…D’riluth?” She continues to sniffle. “Look, I know I’m not all that crafty, but nothing to cry about, right?”

Catra looks up again, her eyes red and watery. “I-you’re perfect.”

Adora snorts. “Hardly.”

A shuddering breath and in a small voice Catra says, “I’m like, having a moment. Gimme a sec?”

Adora sobers and nods. “Course.” After she watches her take a few deep breaths she asks, “Do you…wanna talk about it?”

Catra looks at her, hard. She looks like she’s thinking hard too. “Not especially but, I guess…communication, right?”

Adora feels a pleasant fluttering in her chest. “I’d like that.”

Catra nods but flushes darkly. “I’m thinking…you’re perfect and…you love me so much.” Another deep shuddering breath and she hugs the gift to her chest. “So well. You’re so good to me and I…”

“Catra…” Adora chides gently.

“Look, I know, okay? I’m trying to be honest; can you-I need you to let me vent this.”

“Yeah, okay. Thanks for being honest. You were saying?”

“I just feel guilty I guess, for le-leaving you. And it’s just this spiral, you know? Part of why I…did that was I felt like you were too good for me, like I was always just gonna fuck it up in the end anyway. And I know that was fucked up, but then you go and do something like _this,_ and I feel like crap for what I did and it just…”

“Spirals.”

“Yeah, basically.” Catra admits, defeated.

“Catra, babe, you gotta stop putting me on a pedestal.”

A jerky nod. “I know.”

“I’m human too, right? I mean the other half of our breakup was that I’m a shit communicator.”

“Well, yeah. But not just you. And you were at least always trying to help…”

Adora laughs reservedly. “Yeah well, the road to hell and all.”

Catra chuckles with her. “I guess. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“I’m _in_ love with you.

“I know.” They smile sweetly at each other until Catra breaks their stare, clearing her throat and looking down at her gift.

“Alright, so what _exactly_ am I looking at here?” Adora bounces with excitement, glad to be circling back to the gift; she spent like, _a lot_ of time on this thing.

She moves to sit back against the headboard with Catra so she can look too. “Scrapbook! You told me you don’t like having a lot of pictures and shit on your walls, so…”

Catra grins at her, a hint of her smirk at the corners. “Damn, okay, Greyskull. Walk me through it?”

Adora bounces again. “I would love to!”

-{…}-

Adora Greyskull is unbe-fucking-lievable. Catra’s heart feels like it’s being pulled in a thousand different directions. It swells with love, it sinks with guilt, it settles in relief, it breaks for the hurting she’s done. It’s…a lot. Then again, when has dating Adora Greyskull ever been anything less than a lot?

She reaches over to pull open the front cover. “Okay, so, it’s general themes and within that pictures are in chronological order.”

“You’re amazing and I’m in love with you.” Catra comments casually. It earns her a goofy grin and a kiss. Catra looks back to the book. “Woah, woah, woah, wait just a second here. Is that my fucking freshman yearbook photo?”

“Both of ours! All four years.” Adora answers cheerily. She points to her own photo on the title page filled with yearbook pictures.

“Wow, okay. Listen, I’m definitely in love with you and all, but also I hate you?”

“Oh, hush! It’s like, one measly photo and I like it! You’re so cute with your little scowl.”

Catra snorts. “Yeah well, you look straight out of the pages of The Babysitter’s Club or something.”

“Well, I’m offended you think I look straight, but-“

Catra shoves her to the side with her shoulder. “Pft, I can’t even with you, Greyskull. Turn the fucking page.”

“Okay!” Adora agrees readily, turning past the title page she’d made. Like a nerd. “So, obviously we have our theatre pics first.”

“Obviously.” Catra teases.

“It’s where we started hanging out!”

“I mean, the first time we hung out was at Mermista’s. Is there a Studying at Mermista’s page?” She feigns like she’s gonna start flipping through the pages.

Like she knew she would, Adora slaps her hands away. “Alright, D’riluth, listen up. You gotta chill with the commentary or we’re never gonna get through this.”

“Yeah, yeah. So, theatre pics.”

“Yes! Oh, Doc says hi and happy birthday.”

“You got _Doc_ in on this?”

“Duh.” Adora answers like she’s being stupid. _You_ know _she’s the most extra person on the planet…_ “Okay, so this one’s a gem; you and Bow freshman year! Lil cuties.”

“Shut up, I’m not cute!”

“Hm, are too though. Then from Clue, I was very excited to find the ones from tech day. Now I have photographic proof you were trying to kill me.”

Catra chokes out a laugh. “ _Excuse_ me?”

Adora just gives her a look. “Don’t even try to tell me you didn’t know what you were doing with that fucking crop top.”

Catra smirks but also turns red. “Whatever. Fine, a little bit. Didn’t I still think you were straight then though?”

Adora laughs. “I think so. Dummy.”

“Hey!”

“Well!”

“It’s my birthday! You have to be nice to me on my birthday.” Adora laughs again, _always such an easy laugh_ , and gives her a cute, dorky smile.

“Okay, yeah. Can I kiss you?”

“Mm, please do.” The kiss goes on…for a while. When they finally pull apart, breathless and bright eyed, Adora draws their attention back to the book. There’s another intermission when they get to the formalwear page but, other than that, Catra allows herself to be led through the pages.

As they get to the end Catra’s stomach lets out an embarrassingly loud grumble. “Uh oh, sounds like it might be lunch time. Or dinner. What time is it?”

Catra glances at her phone. “Eh, in between. It’s just after four now.”

“Okay, well what sounds good?”

Catra pouts at the idea of putting on pants. “To eat?”

“Uh, yeah?” Adora looks at her, all cute and confused. Catra allows herself to grin wickedly.

“Your-“ She’s cut off by a hand over her mouth.

“Nope! Nuh uh, do not go there, D’riluth. You absolutely _can_ distract me, but we have to eat.”

“I mean, we don’t _have_ to.” Catra protests once Adora drops her hand. Her stomach makes its opinion on that known and Adora laughs in her face.

“Pants, Catra.”

“Fine,” She fusses. “but I’m keeping the sweater and I’m not putting my tee shirt back on under it.”

Adora raises an eyebrow, probably trying for cocky. Her visible gulp gives her away. “Hot.”

With that they climb out of bed. Catra locates her jeans and then her underwear. She holds them up by a single finger with a sigh. “There’s nothing worse than choosing between going commando in jeans or re-wearing ruined panties.”

“I ruined your panties?” Adora’s voice comes from her wardrobe, sounding altogether too cocky.

“Bite me.” Adora pulls herself free to raise an eyebrow at her girlfriend.

“Maybe later.” Then a pair of clean underwear flies at her face. Hers, as it turns out.

“Sick!” And then, “So…you held onto my underwear.”

Adora pauses in hoisting up her jean and turns red. When she regains mobility, her defense is, “Shut up. I know you still have my hoodie.”

Fully dressed, Catra walks in close. “Well yeah, Greyskull, but I can get use out of that. I don’t exactly think you’d fit into my panties.”

A little hoarse, Adora asks, “Are you saying I have a big butt?”

“Hmm…” Catra slides her hands into Adora’s back pockets and squeezes once. Adora jumps with an adorable little yelp that makes Catra cackle. “You have a perfect ass, babe. And yeah, definitely too big to fit into my underpants.”

Adora laughs and leans her forehead onto Catra’s. “Fair enough. Where do you wanna eat?”

Catra shrugs. “Honestly, I don’t really care. Maybe those pizzas? We could bring them back here and watch a movie or something.”

With a beaming smile Adora leans in to kiss her cheek. “Genius.” She approves.

They grab wallets and keys and are about to walk out the door. Catra stops her with a tug on her arm. When Adora turns around to question it she feels vulnerable, bordering on uneasy. “Hey, Greyskull?”

“What’s wrong, baby?”

She shakes her head. “Nothing. I…” A sniff. “I really missed you is all.”

Adora wraps her arms around Catra tightly. She kisses the top of her head and speaks into her hair. “I really missed you too, Catra.” She squeezes. “So much.”

Catra nods, gripping her back. “I’ll never-I _promise_ I’ll never take you for granted again. Won’t underestimate what you mean to me.”

Adora sniffs and Catra hopes the tear she feels run into her hair is the last Adora cries over this breakup. “Okay.” She accepts. “I trust you.”

Catra nods and finally releases her. She stands on her toes to place a soft, lingering kiss to Adora’s cheek. With that they walk over to the café just off campus, hand in hand the whole way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This feels like the appropriate place for a mic drop, right?
> 
> There's a little two chapter side piece from their senior year I have about 70% done that I might throw up before the next chapter. It'll add a little context, but won't be necessary to keep going with this story. So, if you're into it, keep an eye out for that. It'll come probably after the holiday.
> 
> So, happy holigays, hope these happy gays were a nice lil gift for ya. Thanks for reading!!


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